The Point of No Return

I feel like I need to preface this post with one very important fact:

I love Michael more than anything!!!!  I am totally in love and completely psyched to be his wife!!!  That being said, the journey of our dating and engagement has been somewhat of a challenge for me.

I'm not sure exactly where to begin this explanation...  I guess I should start by saying, I have had some serious heartache in past relationships.  I have never been the love-at-first-sight kinda girl.  And so it's always taken me a little while to be "all in" in a relationship.  And for me historically, once I do go "all in", that's when I get heart broken.

So....fast forward a couple of years, and I meet my future husband.  He's nothing like my past boyfriends.  He doesn't play games.  He loves me for my crazy, poor-complected self.  It was weird.  And wonderful.  And weird.  Eventually, Michael fell in love with me.  And, as he explains it, he went to the deep end of the pool and did a cannon ball into the water.  He was all in.  I, on the other hand, wasn't about to just jump in head first.  Are you kidding me?!  That's how I get my heart broken!  So, I started by putting my little toe in the water.  And then I stuck both legs in the water.  And then I waded in far enough that the water was up to my waist.  But I struggled to go all in.  Part of me was looking for something that doesn't really exist (the romance movie lovey-dovey feelings), and the other part of me liked the control of not allowing myself to feel as deeply for Michael as he did for me.  I had an "out".  If he left me, if he broke my heart, I wouldn't hurt as bad if I was only waist deep in this relationship and not in over my head.

And then, the other day it hit me.  I'm in love over my head!  I'm in the deep end of this relationship with ten feet of water above me!  Shocked, I announced this revelation to Michael.  Slightly concerned, he asked if I had just managed to make my way to the deep end.  Is this a new feeling for me?  After all, we are engaged and planning a wedding.

No.  It didn't just happened.  I've been there for a long time.  But it happened so subtly, that I didn't even realize that it happened.  (Kinda like when you have a terrible headache and you take some Excedrin and an hour later you suddenly realize your head doesn't hurt anymore.  Or is that just me??)

And, can I just say that I absolutely LOVE being in the deep end of this relationship with Michael?!  I mean, I LOVE IT!!  Michael's so funny.  He told me that when he was in, he was in.  He cannon balled into the deep end and waited for me there.  That's so Michael.  None of this pussy-footing around like I do.  (This means he's really helpful when I can't make a decision about, well, anything!)

I'm not gonna lie, though.  My past still haunts me.  I still have moments of fear of that heartbreak.  I worry that he's going to regret choosing me and leave me by myself in the pool.  (Have I overused this analogy yet??)  But he continues to reassure me that he isn't going anywhere.  I believe him.  I trust him with my heart.  So, we're gonna be hanging out in the deep end of this pool together for a while.  There's not a place in the world I'd rather be.

And, man, do I love him.