Sunday, April 26, 2015

We are 1 in 8

Grief reveals itself to me in moments when I least expect it.  Sitting at Chick-Fil-A I find myself thinking about holding my nephew in just a few short months, and it just about brings me to my knees.  

My sister is having a baby.  She told us in December, and it was devastating.  Not that she was having a baby necessarily, but that we have done everything the "right" way and we still aren't pregnant.  That's what's devastating, really.

Most days, most moments, I am fine.  We live life like we always have.  We have a full calendar and loving friends and family.  We don't sit around wringing our hands crying about our infertility.  But then there are these moments that sneak up out of nowhere and cut my heart to the quick. 

This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week.  I had no idea this week even existed.  There is a beautiful blog about infertility called Starbucks, Peace, and the Pursuit of a Baby.  Her point this week?  You are not alone.  This journey can be so lonely.  Infertility really is a silent epidemic.  We don't talk about it because it is so private.  But when we refuse to talk about this struggle, we can isolate ourselves when what we really need is community and support.

1 in 8 couples struggle with fertility.

1 in 8.   That blows my mind.

Here is an excerpt from Chelsea's blog:

If you are reading this today and are struggling, let me assure you of the fact that you are not alone.
You are not alone if you have never seen 2 pinks lines.  
You are not alone if you have seen two pink lines but your arms are still empty.
You are not alone if you have to give yourself shots.   
You are not alone if going to see the doctor (again) drains you of all your energy.   
You are not alone if you are hopeful during a 2 week wait.
You are not alone if the thought of another 2 week wait makes your heart anxious.   
You are not alone if you have ever laid in bed crying and wondering When? and Why?  
You are not alone if you have felt like the only one who really feels like this.  
You are not alone if you feel like you just can’t act like you have it all together one more day.
You are not alone if you are scared and confused.
You are not alone if you are questioning everything from trying to have your own child to learning about surrogates and gestational carriers.
You are not alone if you have heard that you are dealing with bad eggs.
You are not alone if you have heard that your partner has male infertility factors.
You are not alone if you are just giving it one more month.
You are not alone if you are afraid to say something to anyone because you anticipate a hurtful comment.
You are not alone if you need to seek a support group, find a counselor, take a break.
You are not alone if you engage in social media for support. (Instagram is the BEST group of ladies out there!)
You are not alone if you can’t remember the “pre-trying to conceive” you.
You are not alone if you aren’t sure when to seek help or talk to a specialist.
You are not alone if you are dealing with secondary infertility.
You are not alone if you are lead down a path to adoption.
You are not alone if you need to use donor eggs or donor sperm.
You are not alone if you feel like you can’t plan your life because you don’t know what the next 4 weeks will look like.
You are not alone if you have cut out gluten, dairy, sugar, red meat, vegetables that rhyme with “bale”, caffeine, anything with red dye …. all in hopes that this could be the thing that helps you get pregnant.
I can identify with a lot of what Chelsea said.  It's so good to know we aren't the only ones struggling (or feeling a bit crazy!).  This journey is long and hard.  It's full of heartache and tears.  But we can have hope in The One who has a plan for us.  He hasn't called us to do life in isolation.  He's called us to community and to walk the hard paths with one another.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Lip Service

This past week I interviewed for a job that I really want.  I've been praying and thinking about a potential change for a long time, but I hadn't ever felt a peace about other positions I'd looked into.  Over Spring Break I prayed in one of my quiet times that God would move during that week to provide an opportunity for me.  That morning, the job I had been waiting for was posted.

I've had several people praying for me and for the interview, and the mindset I've verbalized to friends and family is that "if God wants it to happen, it'll happen."  And in the same breath I would silently worry and stress over the interview.

After the interview I did what I always do...I over analyze, I stress and I worry.  I disect every minute and every word of every question and every answer I gave.  And then I agonize over the shoulda, woulda, and coulda.  I agonized to the point of getting virtually zero sleep the night of the interview...the night I should have been relieved to have gotten through it all!  I just laid there and worried.  What I was really doing, though, was trusting my future to my own ability.  I was taking back control.

Then today it hit me like a brick wall.  If you're going to trust Me, then trust Me.  If not, stop with the lip service.  While with my words I was trusting God to take care of me, my heart gave me away.  I was trusting more in my ability to answer questions in an interview than I was in His ability to put me in the places He wants me.  I need to make a choice - in every area of my life.  Trust Him or don't.  But stop with the lip service.