Sunday, April 11, 2010

Him again

I talked to him this weekend. Okay, so we didn't talk talk. We chatted briefly on Facebook, which led to a couple of texts because the stupid WiFi at Panera now has a time limit. (Side note...that's REALLY frustrating when you're trying to work and you need the internet!!) For anyone needing clarification, this is the him that I mentioned in my first post. So I talked to him. For the first time in months. And I'm wondering why, if I'm beginning this new, fabulous chapter in my life, he still has my heart? I've heard all the reasons it's good that he's not in my life anymore. In fact, my family made a list of the reasons I'm better off. But it doesn't matter. As much as I would welcome the idea, logic doesn't work for me here. My heart still aches for him. And it's annoying. Last night I woke up countless times (actually, I think it was four times) dreaming of him. Annoying. And heartbreaking all over again. And, of course, he seems just fine and dandy with his new job and new life without me. Lord Jesus, fill this hole!! And although I long for the day I wake up and he doesn't have a hold of my heart anymore, I can't help but wonder if there's a reason I can't let him go. Everywhere I turn I see reminders of him: Texas this, Dallas that. For crying out loud! I can't even read my Bible without seeing his flippin' name!! And so there's a part of me that is wondering if God's asking me to just hold on. Just wait. That's probably just my overactive imagination. My mind that over-analyzes everything. That part of me that makes me an idealist. But I don't want to be naive. I don't want to wait for something that's never going to come. I want to wait for THE ONE. Is that him? At this point, that's doubtful. But there's one thing I have to continually remind myself that is NOT doubtful. HE has a plan for me. HE knows my inward being. HE knows the desires of my heart and longs to fulfill them. HE knows the man made to be perfect with me. Lord Jesus, help me to turn my thoughts and my heart to know YOU more.

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