Desires of My Heart

Since as far back as I can remember I have had a heart for fostering and adoption.  For some reason it's just something I have always desired.  That desire has only increased as I have been a teacher.  We have a foster family in our school who had three little boys.  The oldest was a first grader when I started teaching and I was blessed to see him graduate fifth grade last year.  The two younger boys are now in third and fourth grade.  These boys have lived a life that you wouldn't wish on any child.  From stories of running from the "bad men" to pushing away all affection because everyone they love leaves them, these boys needed saving.  They needed someone to love them and STAY with them no matter what.

And then last year it happened.

This beautiful woman from another state altogether saved them.  She adopted them!  I will never forget the day this woman came to school to get the boys.  I was eating lunch in the library when I heard that she was at school in the office to get the boys.  I have never dropped my food so fast!  I all but ran to the office and before she had any idea who I was I hugging that woman!  Through tears I explained that I had been the boys' music teacher for the past five years and that I loved those boys so much and that I loved her so much for saving them!  


Saying goodbye to the boys was hard for the entire school (they had a pretty big presence there :-)  ).  But we were all overflowing with joy.

Friday they came back to visit.  The adoption was being finalized.  PRAISE YOU, JESUS!!!  I didn't get a chance to see the boys, but the office staff took a picture and sent it out.  Oh, can I just tell you how beautiful they were?!  For probably the first time in a long time, they were just.......HAPPY. 

Of course that spawned conversation of adoption and how wonderful this lady is for taking these beautiful boys.  My mom and I have talked about adoption a lot.  She's thrilled for other people, but it's not her heart.  I was talking with some friends -- and it's not their heart either.

Adoption isn't something everyone wants (you know like getting married and having babies).  Now, don't get me wrong -- I want to be pregnant and bear my own children.  But, oh, how I want to adopt and foster!!

It seems to me that Jesus loves adoption, too.  After all, he adopted me!

"In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will."  Ephesians 1:4b-5

And I realized --

This desire is from Him.


You know, there are just so many minutes and hours and days when I doubt that I will be married and have kids.  But His Word says -- no, it PROMISES -- 


"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4


Jesus, I will take you at Your Word, and I delight myself in You as I wait.  Love you, Jesus!

Prone to Wander

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I’m constrained to be.

Let they goodness like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.

Prone to leave the God I love.

Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it

Seal it for thy courts above.

A Revolutionary Resolution

I've been feeling guilty about my last post. Yes, it is exactly where I was in my faith walk at that moment and my feelings and disappointment were and still are genuine. But it seems like such a bummer way to have ushered out 2010 and welcomed in 2011. As I'm sure many can understand, the holidays always do this to me. It's a double-edged sword. I need the time off and I absolutely cherish the time to work through my to-do list and enjoy family and friends. But in all of that "extra" time I get during this time of the year, it is that much more evident that I am alone. And the older I get, the harder this time of the year is for me. Next week when the craziness of 24 second graders and 5am wake up calls and grad school assignments hit, the loneliness will play second fiddle to the busyness. I'll still feel the loneliness, but the busyness takes the edge off the pain.

I've always been a busy person -- always had my candle burning at both ends. I think mostly out of pride -- kind of a "Look how good I am that I can keep all of these balls in the air at one time with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back!" But what I've discovered as of the

last couple of years as the Lord has worked deeper into my heart is that that kind of busyness does not allow true time to commune with Him. I think that the Lord has been breaking me over the last 10 months - more gently than He has in the past, but breaking me just the same. And I think that's one of the reasons why I have struggled so this year to keep everything going.

I'm working through Beth Moore's "90 Days With The One and Only" and tonight she had this to say about the purpose behind being broken by the Lord.


"God's intent in breaking us is to bend our stiff knees so that we will submit to His authority and take on His yoke. His aim is our abundant and effective life."


I can sincerely say that my life in the last few months has been anything but abundant and effective. And guess who's fault that is. MINE.


So tonight I'm making a revolutionary resolution for myself (again, inspired by Miss Beth). She says in "Praying God's Word Day By Day:"

The giant step in the walk of faith is the one we
take when we decide God no longer is a part of
our lives. He is our life.

So, my revolutionary resolution is this: GOD IS MY LIFE. It may not be so revolutionary in theory, but for me it will be pretty darn revolutionary in practice. There's no more trying to find fifteen minutes at the end of the day to spend with Him. There's no more quick prayer and then off to another meeting. He's not going to just be reserved for a certain time of the day and put back on the shelf when I'm finished.

Now, here's the kicker -- I still feel how I feel when I wrote my last post. I'm still sad and disappointed and longing. The pain is still there FOR SURE! But my relationship with The One who died for me while I was yet a sinner isn't going to be contingent on the ups and downs on my emotions. I choose to make Him my life -- no matter how I feel today.

Here's my prayer for this year and every year to come (again, stolen from Beth's "Praying God's Word Day By Day"):

My Father, I acknowledge that You are the Lord Almighty. You are the first and You are the last, and apart from You there is no other God. Make me witness to the fact that there is no other Rock but You. Enable me to say with full assurance, "I know not one" (Isa. 44:6, 8).


You are my Lord, my Holy One, my Creator, my King. You are the One who made a way through the sea, a path through mighty waters (Isa. 43:15-16).

You are the Lord my God. I desire to love You, listen to Your voice, and hold fast to You,

for You, Lord, are my life (Deut. 30:20).

The Best Laid Plans

"Plan your work and work your plan."  It's pretty much been my motto for as long as I can remember.  So, naturally, I had a five year plan in place as soon as I left college.  First up on the plan - get a job.  Check.  Next on the plan - get a new car.  Check.  Buy a house.  Check.  Get my mater's degree.  Check.  Get married by 25.  Ummm.  Okay, so I'll go ahead and get my elementary admin degree while I wait for my knight in shining armor.  Check.  Start having babies by 28.  Wellll....  So I figured I'd make a little adjustment to the plan.  As long as I'm married and having babies by the time I'm 30, I'll be okay.  Surely I can make that happen.

And then today it hit me.  In two months (TWO MONTHS, PEOPLE!) I will be 29. 

TWENTY. NINE.

No husband.  (Not even any potential prospects!)  No babies.  TWENTY. NINE.

And although I'm no math wiz, I figured that I now have 14 months to find my husband, get married, get pregnant and birth a child.  

And so I cried.  The realization that I will be LUCKY to be married by the time I'm 30 let alone be a mother hits hard.  And so do the "what if's" that accompany this realization.

What if my parents aren't there to walk me down the aisle?

What if I'm alone for forever?

What if I never get to be a mom?

What if my parents never get to have grandkids?

What if.....this is it?  

What if.....this is all there is?

So, while I know Jeremiah 29:11 and I claim that verse daily -- right now I am two months away from being 29, and I'm still alone.  

It's 66 degrees in Kansas City today.  It's also December 30.  I suppose miracles do happen.  

I just hope I get my miracle soon.

Awkward

I'm not a writer.  I write in my prayer journal (because it's the only way I can keep my thoughts on track) and I write this blog (really more for my own sake of documenting my journey than for anything or anyone else).  But I'm not a writer.  I feel as though I should have this disclaimer at the beginning of every post.  I've been reading a lot of different posts lately -- posts of people who can actually write.  And it's made me realize how bad I really am at writing!  So if you're wanting to read some serious literary prose, this isn't the blog for you.  If you want to hear how the Lord is moving in my life -- keep reading.

This last month or so has been hard.  I've written a lot about how overwhelmed with life I've been.  And although I've prayed for some reprieve, it really has only gotten worse.  And so I fell back into old habits.  I put off meeting with the Lord.  And, for some reason, I got really upset with Him.  This walk is supposed to be easier.  It should be easier to spend time with Him.  It should be easier to wait on Him.  My longings should be met and my desires should be fulfilled.  My family members should love Him and be saved.  I shouldn't have to be so alone.  So I made the conscious decision to ignore my time with Him - to let that time be filled up with the multitude of other things clamoring for my attention.  And then the guilt began to weigh down on me.  I'd go to bed at night knowing I had missed the most important part of my day.  But I closed my eyes and went to sleep anyway.  After all, I reasoned, it's very important to be well-rested.  

And then the Christmas season was here -- and it slapped me in the face.  I was eye to eye with the gift of the first Christmas.  Songs of Him played in my ear and burst forth from my lips.  And so, at some point I decided not to be upset anymore.  But, in true stubborn-Lauren spirit, that didn’t make me come right back to Him and our relationship.  It really just intensified my guilt.  And I kept saying, "Tomorrow.  I'll get back to my Bible study and quiet time.....tomorrow."  

I knew I needed to renew my relationship with Him, but I felt....well....awkward.  Like when girls argue with eachother and eventually get over themselves but don’t want to (or don’t know how to) be the first to break the silence.  It’s awkward.   And for some reason I felt awkward coming to the Lord after so openly and consciously and obviously avoiding Him for the past month.  

But somehow one day I got over myself.  I made the first step.  I apologized.  I confessed. I repented.  I told the Lord about my broken heart (as if He didn't already know).  I used lots of exclamation points in my prayer journal (shocker, I know).  And it occurred to me -- THIS is true relationship.  Relationships aren't all peaches and cream.  They're not always warm and fuzzy like I want them to be.  They're hard.  They're awkward sometimes. You have to be able to admit when you're wrong and ask for forgiveness.  And you have to get over yourself.  

Lord, I'm over it.  I really am over myself.  That's not to say I won't relapse again, but at this point in time, I'm ready to be with You again.  I want it to be easier than this, but I just have to be okay with the fact that it's not.  It's not easy.  It's not going to be easy.  Jesus, you know my heart.  Help me to truly understand Yours.

I don't have the literary expertise to make a connection right now to this video.  But for some reason, this song has just captivated my heart this Christmas.  I hope that it speaks to yours as well.  

Fa-la-la-la-la

One of my favorite moments of this Christmas break is without a doubt our Cardinal Chorale reunion.  Cardinal Chorale is the chamber choir at my high school, and it holds SOO many precious memories for me!  Mary Bodney (who was the director of the choir) was like a second mom to me and so many other kids in high school.  I absolutely adore her.  She is one big reason why I decided to become a music teacher (and one person I was terrified of disappointing when I decided to work on my administration degree!).  I've been having music-withdrawal as of late (due to the not-teaching-music bit) and out of purely selfish motives I decided to plan a last minute party.  And so was born the Cardinal Chorale reunion!  I cannot tell you how happy this made my heart!  Here are some pictures!

There's Mrs. Bodney directing us as always!

 Singing fun!

There's always a good story being told when Mrs. Bodney is around!

The beloved Mrs. B.

 My beautiful friend Alicja!  Oh, how I love singing with her!

It was so last minute and tons of old Chorale folks weren't able to make it.  Thankfully this has already turned into an annual event!  It'll be even BIGGER next year!

Party Season

 Christmas time tends to keep people busy with parties.  This year I decided to throw a couple myself!  In fact, the last two weeks have been super busy in the Schulze household.  Last weekend I threw a party in celebration of a one year milestone.  I had such a great time with my girlfriends/family!  My soul needed a night of non-stop laughing!  Here are a few of the pics from the evening.

Some friends from work (Melissa and Kristin)

My friend Shawna and me

My sister Meredith, my cousin Debby, my mom and me

The next day (Saturday) my fam hopped in the car and took off down I-70 to St. Louis.  My Aunt Pattie (who some of you might remember from my Monday Night Football post) invited us to town to go to the Rams vs. Chiefs game!  Being the football fans that we are, we decided the 3 1/2 hour drive across the state was a small sacrifice to pay for a visit to the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis.

Sunday morning (the day of the game) we met up with some friends for breakfast and followed them to the stadium.  This is my dad and his friend Gary and Gary's son-in-law.

We're heading to our seats and super excited!

My mom and my Aunt Pattie.  

Pre-game warmups

We got there in plenty of time to enjoy some popcorn before the game started.

My mom was taking a picture of us in our seats.  She took a couple and I noticed the guy next to her putting rabbit ears up in front of her camera.  You can see by the look on my face how I feel about that!  (I love this picture.  It shows how bad I am at keeping my emotions from showing on my face!)

Me and my dad.

 After a fairly scary first quarter, my boys in red did a FANTASTIC job and we won the game!  YAY!! This is our victory walk back to the car.  There were LOTS of people wearing red at the game.  Way to go Chiefs fans!

There are more pictures to share soon...