tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20608050372921285292024-03-13T07:57:52.812-07:00Leading Me HomeLaurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.comBlogger236125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-78996469577483785192017-06-29T08:26:00.001-07:002017-06-29T08:26:59.213-07:00Radio SilenceTo say "it's been a while" since I've last blogged would be a serious understatement. It's been over eight months. And I needed a break - from everything. We needed to just be. We needed to be okay with not being okay. And, honestly? We're still not okay. Not when it comes to the emotion of the loss and trauma we've experienced the last four, almost four and a half, years. We waffle between grief and depression and anger and frustration when we talk about our babies and our loss or when we see others living our dreams of starting a family. Don't even get me started about my feelings on people complaining about pregnancy/motherhood/children on social media. <br />
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We just needed time to grieve. We needed time to recover (at least a little) emotionally, financially, spiritually.<br />
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Infertility has been the sole focus of our marriage from virtually day one. I can't begin to describe for you the stress and pressure that puts on a marriage - just consider the loss, the trauma, both of you dealing with that emotion in <i style="font-weight: bold;">completely </i>different ways, and then add on to that the financial burden of being buried under $100K+ of debt. It's a lot to handle. The last eight months have been so good for Michael and me to just push pause, put the baby dream on the shelf temporarily and focus on us. I'm not ashamed to say that we have been seeing a counselor on and off again since we lost our baby girls, but pretty consistently since we lost our boys. Not only were we heartbroken, but our marriage sucked. It just did. There's just not a pretty way to say it. Thanks to an amazing counselor, some hard work on our part and the grace and mercy of Jesus, Michael and I are in the best place relationally that we have been in five years. Finally. Praise the Lord.<br />
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But with all of that, the dream of being a mom - that one that we put on a shelf eight months ago - is calling to me again. I'm feeling restless and anxious about taking our next step. And that, in and of itself, is so scary! We are considering getting back in the game of infertility and IVF, and that decision will lead us down one of two paths:<br />
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<ol>
<li>We transfer our last embryo (I try not to think about the financial stressor that will be) and we get pregnant WAHOO!!!! At long last we have a baby! </li>
<li>We transfer our last embryo and we lose that baby, too. Which, honestly, is the most likely of the two scenarios. Then what? Our dream of a biological baby, my dream of carrying my child for nine months, is dead. To voluntarily put ourselves back in a situation where this outcome is likely, is terrifying. The thought of reliving that devastation and heartbreak is almost debilitating. What kind of crazy people are we that we are going to walk, eyes wide open, leaving all the ignorance and naiveté of four years ago behind us, down this path??? I guess we're the kind of crazy people who have an embryo left and can't not transfer him/her. We're the kind of crazy people who are going to pray our guts out that somehow, some way, this transfer will be different. Lord Jesus, we beg you!</li>
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So here are our next steps, although none of this will be a speedy process, so don't expect news of a transfer any time soon.</div>
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<ul>
<li>We've been working with a naturopath to try to naturally balance my hormones and make my body work at it's optimum level. I want to have the coziest, most welcoming uterus in the history of uteruses (uteri?) when we finally transfer our last baby.</li>
<li>There are several sets of tests (I'm affectionately referring to them as our "Hail Mary passes") that I still want to do before we transfer our last baby. I'm learning about something called epigenetics (Google it) that I'm hoping will hold a key for our fertility.</li>
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And that's it, really. Our options for a biological baby have withered down to two bullet points. We're throwing the Hail Mary pass and praying that Jesus catches that ball! If you want to know what to do, here's what we would love for you to know. </div>
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<ol>
<li>Please don't ask us about our next steps or bring it up in passing or in small talk conversation. Even though I blog a lot about it, <b>we are more than our infertility!!</b> We have lots of other things going on in our lives than infertility and nine times out of ten we'd rather talk about all of those things than the trauma and heartbreak of the last four years! If we want to talk about it, it's likely we will bring it up. </li>
<li>Pray for us. Petition God to bless us with the family we've always dreamt of. Beg him to open my womb so that I, too, could know the joys of pregnancy. So that I, too, could experience my baby moving inside me. Pray for courage and strength as we walk down a road that we anticipate being incredibly difficult. Pray for our marriage. The enemy wants nothing more than to tear us apart. The enemy is strong, but, praise the Lord, Jesus is stronger! Pray that He would use our story, our wounds, our walk to His glory. That even in the midst of the storm, His name would be made great.</li>
<li>Be grateful for your children and your family. Stop complaining about them on social media! There are so many people who are in similar circumstances as me who would love nothing more than to have exactly what you have. Be grateful. Thank Jesus that He gave you those beautiful babies and the stresses and frustrations that come with them.</li>
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This season of rest and recovery and grieving has been so good for us. We needed this time of radio silence more than we knew or realized. Thank you for walking alongside us and loving us through it all.<br />
<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-70373931436389025902016-10-10T16:25:00.001-07:002016-10-10T16:25:18.569-07:00BoysBoys. For a split second I was pregnant with two baby boys. There's something deeper in our grief knowing the gender of our babies, and I knew it would make the hurt hurt even more. But it's a part of the grieving process that I <i>needed</i>. <div>
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<i>I needed to know them.</i><br /><div>
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I needed to connect with them in whatever way I could. Today I got to know my babies a little more, learning they were boys. I won't ever get to know the color of their hair or the color of their eyes. Or their favorite food. Or what makes them laugh. I won't ever get to hear their voice or their cry. I won't ever hear them call me "Mommy." Knowing the gender is all I have. And I know them more today than I did yesterday.<div>
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If I close my eyes and picture a different life for us - a life with our arms full of the baby girls we lost the first time and the baby boys we lost this time - I can see our boys. They would be rough an tumble boys. Dare devils that stress their mommy out at every turn! I'll bet they would have loved football like their Daddy. We would have dressed them from head to toe in Alabama gear and taught them to say, "Roll Tide!" We would have giggled and wrestled on the living room floor. Bear would be their fiercest protector and favorite playmate. They would love to snuggle with their Mommy (or I would have made them snuggle whether they wanted to or not!), and I would kiss them and squeeze them until they couldn't take any more. </div>
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I never knew them, and yet, I miss them. Your Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you, baby boys. </div>
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<i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Miss you everyday </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Miss you in every way </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But we know there’s a</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">day when we will hold you </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We will hold you </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You’ll kiss our tears away </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we’re home to stay </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Can’t wait for the day when we will see you </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We will see you </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But baby let sweet Jesus hold you</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">‘till mom and dad can hold you… </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You’ll just have heaven before we do </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You’ll just have heaven before we do</span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>"Glory Baby" by Watermark</i></span></div>
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-39124530285856484942016-09-18T07:43:00.003-07:002016-09-18T07:45:21.595-07:00Weeping May Last Through the Night<br />
I don't know how to start this post, so I guess I'll just say it.<br />
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We lost two more babies to heaven.<br />
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Our second IVF failed. We found out yesterday that we aren't pregnant.<br />
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And we are devastated. <br />
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Somehow we know that God is working through this. We know He is sovereign and He loves us and He is wring a beautiful story with our lives. But right now we hate this story. We want a do-over. We want someone else's story, please. Someone who gets free-to-make babies and has the family they always dreamt of and isn't in crippling debt.<br />
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I started reading a book called "Laying My Issac Down" after our first failed IVF. For some reason I never finished it and started reading it again on our way back to Colorado this time. There's a part in her story where she has hundreds of people praying for her family and yet they still received devastating news. In the midst of her heartbreak she says, "With the network of friends and family across the country who have been praying, <i>we know this judgment is not a mistake</i>."<br />
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We have had people whose names we don't even know praying for us. Knowing that and believing that no matter what, God is good and He loves us....somehow we know this failed IVF isn't a mistake either. It sure feels like a mistake to me <i>(How can this be?!)</i>, but I am believing that God hasn't forgotten us and is going to bless us with a family. After all, He makes beauty from ashes, and we are nothing but ashes right now.<br />
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We are beyond heartbroken and confused and not sure of our next step. We have one embryo left, but is it insanity to transfer that one to me knowing we've had two failed IVFs? Clearly my body is incapable of carrying a baby - the biggest hallmark of what it means to be a woman. What would be different this time?? Do we use a surrogate? And who? Do we start looking at adoption? Every one of these paths is overwhelming, and quite frankly, heartbreaking because it's not what we wanted for our family. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. But we are clinging to His word and forced to remind ourselves of His goodness every minute of every day.<br />
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<span class="text Lam-3-22" id="en-ESV-20377" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; position: relative;">The steadfast love of the <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-numeric: normal;">Lord</span> never ceases;</span><br />
<span class="indent-1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: monospace; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Lam-3-22" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-20377B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-20377B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span>his mercies never come to an end;</span></span><br />
<span class="text Lam-3-23" id="en-ESV-20378" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">23 </span>they are new <span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-20378C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-20378C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span>every morning;</span><br />
<span class="indent-1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: monospace; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Lam-3-23" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-20378D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-ESV-20378D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span>great is your faithfulness.</span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="text Lam-3-23" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">Lamentations 3:22-23</span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="text Lam-3-23" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="indent-1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="text Lam-3-23" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="text Ps-30-5" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">Weeping may last through the night,</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: monospace; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-30-5" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">but joy comes with the morning.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="text Lam-3-23" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="text Ps-30-5" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">Psalm 30:5b</span></span></span></span>Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-36621812553929153512016-09-15T19:26:00.001-07:002016-09-15T19:27:07.795-07:00An EmailI know it's been a while since I've written...partly because life has been insanity and partly because I just didn't have a ton to say. I have a post I want to write that's been on my heart lately, but I'm not quite there.<br />
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But, y'all. </div>
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I received this email today, and my heart leapt. He is so good to remind us that we are not alone in this journey, that we have people <b>we.have.never.met. </b>praying for us and thinking about our story and hearing about His goodness, and that our story is truly making a difference if for no one else, for at least one young lady. I am just about undone. </div>
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hi Lauren, </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've followed your blog since before you met your hubby! Crazy. Anyhow, I wanted to pop in and tell you I've been thinking about you a lot. You have inspired me in being brave. We started our journey at CCRM last month and am anxious to have our regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I just felt like I should check in on you. Remind you of your braveness too. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know you were planning to do one more transfer and I just keep thinking of you and your hubby. </span></i></div>
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Even in the desert, He is there. And what a blessing it is when He reminds us of His presence!</div>
Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-78519988122683288152016-07-24T14:27:00.000-07:002016-07-24T14:27:07.523-07:00Just Another UpdateWell, we finally have our transfer calendar! WAHOO! While we know many who love us and are following our story would like to know our transfer date, we've decided to keep this one, for the most part, to ourselves. We are so grateful for everyone's thoughts and prayers, but some things you just wanna keep for yourself! Do you know what I mean?<br />
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So, we're back in the waiting mode, but feeling really hopeful. We are guaranteed two transfers now that we have our third embryo, and we have higher quality embryos than either of the embryos we transferred last fall. <br />
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If you would be willing to pray for us (even though we're being stingy the details of our calendar) here's what we need:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Babies. Clearly, we want babies. So if you could be praying for us to have <i>at least </i>twins with this pregnancy, that would be awesome. We have both always wanted a big family, and our infertility almost killed that dream. We don't just want <i style="font-weight: bold;">a </i>baby. We want bab<i style="font-weight: bold;">ies</i>! </li>
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<li>Finances. Always finances. Michael just started a new job a few weeks ago. He was laid off two days before we left for our retrieval and has decided to get out of project management altogether. So, he's working now in sales for a company that fixes foundation problems. (If your basement has water in it or has cracks, give Michael a call!) Anyway, his job is 100% commission now. I know he will be amazing because he works so hard and puts a gazillion and one percent of himself into his job. He's a rock star. But it would just be nice if we could have a consistent income to be able to pay off our mountains of medical bills and sales is hard...especially at the beginning. Plus, there's more financial commitment that comes with the actual transfer. If it tells you anything, our Plan A for paying off our debt is to win the lottery. So while you're praying for our finances, could you just pray for my husband? He's such a gift to me, and has been under a lot of stress with our debt and wanting to be able to provide for us.</li>
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<li>Faith. Pray that we would continue to put our faith and trust in Him. This morning at church I wept at the realization that these three babies...the only three babies I will likely ever be able to create with my husband, the most precious things I will ever have in this life...aren't mine. They belong to Him, and somehow He loves them more than I do. And I have to trust that His ways are best. </li>
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-3624166198962881472016-07-19T09:05:00.001-07:002016-07-19T09:05:48.285-07:00The Place Where Hope LivesYesterday afternoon my IVF nurse called with the news we've been waiting for. The results for our <a href="http://kansascitylauren.blogspot.com/2016/06/out-of-words.html" target="_blank">third and final embryo</a> were in. In my quiet time that morning I had prayed specifically for our third baby, that it would be transferrable and that God would be willing to bless us with our only AA embryo. <br />
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Each embryo is graded once is reaches day 5 or 6 which is the blastocyst stage, and AA is the highest grade. We never even dreamed that we would be capable of creating an embryo of that kind of quality. So when in June we were told we actually had an AA, we were beyond ecstatic. When we receive our CCS (Comprehensive Chromosomal Screening) results, we are only told the grades of the normal chromosomes (ours were an AB and a BA, both better quality than what we transferred last year). We had no idea the grade of our third embryo that was being rebiopsied, but I was silently, <b><i>hesitantly </i></b>hoping we hadn't lost our coveted AA.<br />
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When I answered the phone yesterday afternoon, some of the first words out of our nurse Cindy's mouth were, "Your embryo is normal!" <br />
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Our embryo is normal. We have three. We have enough for two more transfers. I made her say those words again just in case I had misunderstood. My obvious next question? What's the grade of that precious embryo??<br />
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It's our AA. Typing those words right now brings me to my knees in tears. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for giving us all three. Thank you that our AA survived. Thank you for hearing the desperate cries of our heart, Lord, that you would bless us with this baby, too. <br />
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In my quiet time, I almost couldn't bring myself to ask Him for that AA. I was afraid He would let me down. I was afraid of more disappointment. I.was.afraid. But instead of disappointment, I find myself today in the place where hope lives. Hope for a family. Hope to be a mom. Hope for biological babies. Hope to carry my babies and protect them inside my own body. Hope for answered prayers.<br />
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Honestly, this is a strange place, this place of hope. For the last three and a half years, we have lived in the place of frustration and disappointment and bad news. I almost feel like a foreigner here. But it's also a place where fear can sneak up out of nowhere and whisper "what ifs" in your ear. What if none of these embryos transfer successfully? What if you are in this crippling debt and end up childless at the end? What if after this joy of three amazing embryos, you still never get to be a mom? Satan can turn this place of joy and hope into a place of fear and doubt in an instant.<br />
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But today I refuse to go back to fear and doubt. Do you hear that, Satan?! I. REFUSE. I am letting go of the "what ifs" and the fear of what's to come, if only for a day. Today I want to <i>rest</i> in this place of hope. Today I want to cry happy tears. Tears of gratefulness and joy. Today we get to truly rejoice in His love and His goodness and His provision in this place where <b><i>HOPE</i></b> lives. <br />
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<i>We wait in hope for the Lord;</i><br />
<i>He is our help and our shield.</i><br />
<i>In Him our hearts rejoice,</i><br />
<i> for we trust in His holy name</i><br />
<i>May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord,</i><br />
<i> <b>even as we put our hope in You.</b></i><br />
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<i>Psalm 33:20-22 (NIV)</i>Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-9986018409058757122016-07-14T17:33:00.002-07:002016-07-14T17:34:31.363-07:00Next Steps<ul>
<li>Wait for CCS results of our last embryo. We had two embryos come back as chromosomally normal and one that was undetermined. We thawed that embryo and rebiopsied it to be tested.</li>
<li>Depo Lupron shot. We will be extending our transfer calendar this time in order to take the Depo Lupron shot. This shot should temporarily eliminate any endometriosis in my body to help give our embryos a better chance at sticking!</li>
<li>An actual transfer calendar. We have to wait, of course, for my next Cycle Day 1 before anything happens! Then I'll do the Depo Lupron shot. If you've watched any of the Inside IVF videos, this shot will be like the trigger shot. Which is a serious bummer. Then I have to wait 30ish days before our transfer. This definitely prolongs our timeline, but hopefully gives us a better chance for success!</li>
</ul>
Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-55423905530558248132016-07-05T08:56:00.000-07:002016-07-05T09:06:35.453-07:00GlorifiedWhen we lost our pregnancy in December, the Lord kept bringing the story of Lazarus to me. I blogged about it <a href="http://kansascitylauren.blogspot.com/2016/01/lazarus.html" target="_blank">here</a>, but basically the entire chapter of John 11 made me mad. <br />
In an effort to be completely transparent, I'll be blunt. I was pissed. <br />
<br />
This idea of Jesus <i style="font-weight: bold;">allowing </i>Lazarus - <b>his friend!</b> - to die, watching Lazarus' sisters mourn because of Jesus' lack of action....and then Jesus cried about it all. The gaul! <b>HE </b>allowed it all to happen and now He's crying about it. The first few times I read John 11 in the misery of my loss, I just could not understand how Jesus could behave like this. I couldn't come to terms with it all.<br />
<br />
And then Jesus began to highlight a specific verse in that chapter that I continue to cling to...<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>When Jesus heard that, He said, "This sickness is not unto death, <b>but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.</b>" (John 11:4)</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
There was a PURPOSE in Lazarus' pain, in Mary's pain, in Martha's pain....in Jesus' pain. It was to glorify our heavenly Father above. But there was more to the story of Lazarus that I missed because in my study of Lazarus those couple of months, I never read past John 11. Shame on me! <br />
<br />
In my quiet times recently, I've been reading through the book of John starting from chapter 1. The other day as I read chapter 12 I was amazed by what the Lord showed me. In chapter 11, Jesus allowed Lazarus to die "that the Son of God may be glorified through" his death and subsequent resurrection. But I didn't realize how vital Lazarus' story was to the story and glorification of Christ in preparation for His death. As Jesus continued His ministry into the Passover - that would ultimately lead to his crucifixion - Lazarus' name kept coming up in scripture.<br />
<br />
John chapter 12 begins with a dinner in Bethany, Lazarus' home town. They had a dinner for Jesus that night that included many of the people from the village, honoring Jesus and Lazarus.<br />
<br />
In verse 9, the Bible tells us that there were a bunch of Jews that came that night, but not just to see Jesus. They came to see Lazarus because they had heard of his story. <br />
In verse 10, the Pharisees plotted to kill Lazarus because of his testimony of Christ. As a result of his testimony many were coming to faith in Jesus.<br />
In verse 17, on what we now call Palm Sunday, when Jesus was triumphantly entering Jerusalem before his crucifixion, the people who witnessed Lazarus being raised from the dead-who knew of his story personally-bore witness to Jesus.<br />
In verse 18 the Bible says that people came to welcome Jesus as he entered in Jerusalem because they had heard about Lazarus' story. For many, it was because of Lazarus that people met and came to know Jesus.<br />
<br />
The pain that Lazarus and Mary and Martha endured was used to glorify Jesus past what they could have possibly imagined. Because of Lazarus' death and resurrection, because of their suffering, many came to know Christ.<br />
<br />
<i>Lord, I pray that you would bring life to my womb. I pray for the same resurrecting power over my womb as You poured over Lazarus' lifeless body. Use my pain and suffering to bring You glory and to bring others to know you as their Lord and Savior. Let my life be a testament to your love and grace and mercy and goodness.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>...that the Son of God may be glorified through it.</i><br />
<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-67964088670016672452016-06-22T15:34:00.000-07:002016-06-22T15:34:02.908-07:00The DetailsWe believe that life begins at conception. That means the embryos we lost were actually babies who are now with Jesus in heaven. These are the only babies I have ever known, and I wanted the details of why we would never see them on this side of heaven. Here's what I learned:<br />
<br />
From our second retrieval:<br />
#1: This embryo was missing a copy of both chromosome 21 and 22.<br />
#2: This embryo was missing a copy of chromosome 1.<br />
<br />
From our third retrieval:<br />
#1: This embryo was chromosomally normal.<br />
#2: This embryo is being rebiopsied.<br />
#3: This embryo was missing a copy of chromosome 5.<br />
#4: This embryo was missing a copy of chromosome 22.<br />
#5: This embryo was chromosomally normal.<br />
<br />
I don't know why these details are important to me, but they somehow help me to process our loss.Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-2854669168154753642016-06-21T18:00:00.002-07:002016-06-21T18:00:37.577-07:00Out of WordsThis process is one of the most difficult, painful experiences I have ever had to endure. It is, quite literally, a rollercoaster of emotions. The ups and downs are excruciating.<br />
<br />
We had our third and final retrieval the first week of June. It was hands down the best cycle we have ever had. In the words of our IVF nurse, I was cycling like a twenty-three year old! We were floored. My follicles were growing at the same rate, and we had a ton (for us) of them. We were <i style="font-weight: bold;">finally </i>experiencing a successful cycle!<br />
<br />
Fast forward to the retrieval....<br />
<br />
We retrieved 14 eggs. That's more than we've ever retrieved, although fewer than we were expecting based on our ultrasounds. <br />
<br />
Ten of the eggs were mature, and amazingly all 10 fertilized.<br />
<br />
Only 5 of our embryos made it to blostocyst (again, fewer than we were expecting), although they were all better quality than we had our first cycle.<br />
<br />
And that's really when any good news stopped.<br />
<br />
To catch you up to speed/remind you of where we ended things in April, we had 3 embryos from our second retrieval that were biopsied and then screened for chromosomal normality with the 5 embryos from our third cycle. One of those embryos from our second cycle did not make it through the biopsy process. So, in all, we had 7 embryos that went for the Comprehensive Chromosomal Screening (CCS).<br />
<br />
We found out last Friday that only 2 of our 7 embryos were chromosomally normal. One of the 7 embryos was undetermined and is being rebiopsied. So, at most we will have 3 embryos to transfer, but at this point we have enough embryos for only one more transfer.<br />
<br />
This is our last hope for biological children, so the news has been devastating for both Michael and me. What's even harder to hear is that not one of our embryos from our second cycle were chromosomally normal. Not one. In essence, we wasted $25,000. That's a tough pill to swallow. <br />
<br />
We are stunned and confused and heartbroken, wondering again why God would allow our hopes to be so high from such a great retrieval only to leave us in the place of heartbreak again. We are trying so hard to trust that God is writing a beautiful story for us, but we are tired. And out of words to try to explain or make sense of where we find ourselves.Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-68400948047668149292016-06-14T18:08:00.000-07:002016-06-14T18:08:16.368-07:00Inside IVF: Trigger Shots<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-29667154849066152016-06-10T13:43:00.000-07:002016-06-10T13:43:29.834-07:00Inside IVF: Sticking Yourself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-5748859999912775602016-06-08T08:52:00.000-07:002016-06-08T08:52:12.568-07:00Inside IVF: Evening Meds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-74760122911205184222016-06-05T20:02:00.001-07:002016-06-05T20:11:27.583-07:00Inside IVF: Morning MedsSo in the process of trying to do these videos throughout my IVF, I've learned a couple of things<br />
<br />
1. I need a hair cut. Sheesh!<br />
2. I need a camera that is higher up so I'm not constantly looking down at the camera. It's really not a good look.<br />
3. I wasn't made for video....I'll probably be sticking to the written word for the foreseeable future, and I'm not even very good at that! <br />
<br />
But the bottom line is that I hope these videos are at least a little helpful to someone who is getting ready to experience IVF for the first time. I'm always available to help answer questions or to give some moral support!<br />
<br />
Also, if you need to see how to draw up and administer your specific medicine, CCRM has some great videos on their website. Just click <a href="https://www.ccrmivf.com/medication-teaching/" target="_blank">here</a>! (Michael and I lived by these videos when we first started!) <br />
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**The medicines and injections I take are prescribed from my doctor. I am not a medical professional. Always refer back to what your doctor has prescribed for you when dosing meds.**<br />
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-82708257920402216002016-05-27T09:57:00.001-07:002016-05-27T09:57:17.277-07:00Inside IVF: Introduction<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-89301328068558072552016-05-25T14:03:00.000-07:002016-05-25T14:03:05.967-07:00Inside IVFSo...I'm going to do (or at least attempt) a blog series. EEK! <br />
<br />
As Michael and I were talking through our next IVF cycle and what that means for us, I told him I wanted to do something special with this - our final - retrieval. What we landed on was a series of videos and posts that will give you a glimpse inside IVF. Our hope is that this will be a resource for couples who are getting ready to start (or are already in the middle of) an IVF cycle. <br />
<br />
When we first stepped into this world of IVF, it felt lonely and scary. If it weren't for our amazing IVF nurse, I don't know how we would have survived. Our goal for the series will be to walk future IVF patients through the process we've experienced and make the road (hopefully!) feel just a little less lonely and scary.<br />
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In the meantime, Bear decided he (like his mommy) <i style="font-weight: bold;">loves </i>ice cream! It's looking a lot like summer to me!</div>
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-70858395998397559462016-05-17T17:32:00.002-07:002016-05-17T17:32:17.820-07:00FearFear can be debilitating. It's Satan's trump card for bringing me emotionally into captivity. If I allow my mind to go to that place of darkness, my list of fears is unending.<br />
<br />
I'm afraid that I won't be a mother.<br />
I'm afraid we will have spent this insane amount of money and end up empty handed.<br />
I'm afraid my husband will resent me.<br />
I'm afraid I won't be able to have a biological child who looks like me.<br />
I'm afraid of losing more babies.<br />
<br />
I'm. Afraid.<br />
<br />
But the Lord has not called me to be a slave to fear. <br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)</i><br />
<br />
He has given me power over Satan and over my fear. He has given me a sound mind, which He calls me to renew daily (Romans 12:2). When I find myself falling back into the captivity of fear, it's at that moment more than any other that I must renew my mind with God's Word. <br />
<br />
My pastor says that when we command our thoughts, our emotions will follow. So when I command my thoughts to trust Jesus <b>no matter what</b>, eventually my emotions will follow. When I remind myself who I am in Christ, I no longer have to be a slave to fear.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>You split the sea so I could walk right through it</i><br />
<i>My fears were drowned in perfect love</i><br />
<i>You rescued me so I could stand and sing</i><br />
<b><i>I AM A CHILD OF GOD</i></b><br />
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-65394207780053105562016-05-12T18:12:00.002-07:002016-05-12T18:15:50.459-07:00What I Wish I Knew ThenIf I could just go back three years and start this whole thing over again, here's what I would do differently.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>1. Fight for a diagnosis.</b><br />
When we started this journey no one was able to give us a diagnosis for our infertility. The more tests that came back as normal, the more resigned I was to the idea of not having a diagnosis. Michael, however, was not satisfied. He insisted on a diagnosis. I kept telling him that from what I was reading, 25% of women with infertility have unexplained infertility and that we should try to be okay with that. Boy am I thankful that he refused to be okay. <br />
<br />
What our doctors in Kansas City couldn't tell us, my doctor in Colorado could. Over the phone. After looking at the exact same test results that my RE here in town looked at.<br />
<br />
He gave us a diagnosis, and with a diagnosis, a method of treatment. There is no other medical condition that doctors begin to treat without first diagnosing. Don't let your RE proceed without a diagnosis. If he/she can't tell you why you're struggling to get pregnant, get a second opinion. Or a third. Or a fourth. If we had done that from the beginning, we would have saved two years and $10,000 on treatments that were never going to work. Fight for your diagnosis.<br />
<br />
<b>2. Be specific with your goals when talking with your doctor.</b><br />
As amazing as our doctor is (he's top 10 in the country), he didn't fully understand our end goal of IVF. We want a big family. We have no intention of stopping at one baby. Maybe we just assumed he was on the same page as us. Maybe we told him and he just didn't hear us. But the bottom line is, we weren't as clear with him as we obviously needed to be. We want a big family. Had Dr. Schoolcraft fully understood our end goal from the very beginning, it's likely we would have followed a slightly different course. <br />
<br />
<b>3. Be knowledgeable. Study up. Read, read, read.</b><br />
When we started our infertility journey, we took one recommendation from a coworker to find our Reproductive Endocrinologist. That was our first mistake. We did absolutely no research on her. We learned the hard way that the RE and clinic you choose is absolutely key. Do some reading about infertility and clinics. There are tons of books out there. I recommend books by Dr. William Schoolcraft (my RE) and Dr. Sami David. The bottom line is that you need to know as much about infertility as you can before you start. You also need to research your clinic and your RE. Not every doctor is the same. Not every RE practices medicine the same way (which makes absolutely no sense to me!). Trust me when I tell you that you don't want a mediocre doctor making decisions that will cost you tens of thousands of dollars and invaluable time. Get someone good. Be as informed as you can possibly be.<br />
<br />
<b>4. Ask a BUNCH of questions.</b><br />
Here are things I think you should ask and your RE should be able to answer:<br />
Why can't I get pregnant on my own?<br />What's the protocol for my diagnosis and why?<br />What's the chance I get pregnant from this protocol?<br />What's your success rate for live births with women my age? What about with women who have a similar diagnosis as me?<br />How many different IVF protocols does your clinic utilize?<br />How is my egg quality (FSH)? How is my egg reserve (AMH)? <br />Do I need to do multiple retrievals and bank my embryos?<br />Do you do chromosomal testing on embryos?<br />How many embryos will you transfer at one time?<br />What process does the clinic have in educating you (the patient) on whatever course you are proceeding with?<br />Will I have a fresh or frozen embryo transfer?<br /><ul>
</ul>
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Michael's final suggestion for all struggling with infertility? Play the lottery. You're gonna need some extra cash, and a lot of it!</div>
Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-35702683619059726922016-04-26T17:53:00.003-07:002016-04-26T17:55:50.162-07:00#StartAsking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
It's National Infertility Awareness Week. One in eight couples struggle with infertility.<br />
That's 7.6 million people. <br />
<br />
I guarantee you know someone (and probably lots of someones) who struggles with infertility. It's a silent epidemic that most choose to struggle with privately. I've chosen to share my journey, not for sympathy and certainly not for pity, but to let those struggling privately know that they're not alone. <br />
<br />
The theme this year for NIAW is Start Asking. The goal is to encourage couples struggling to conceive to advocate for themselves in the doctor's office (something I'll be posting on later), for friends and family to start asking how they can support their infertile loved ones, for everyone to start asking our insurance companies and government officials why this financially devastating diagnosis of infertility isn't supported financially.<br />
<br />
As I was reading blogs and Twitter posts and watching videos about NIAW, I couldn't help but think about where Michael and I have been this past year. It has, hands down, been one of the most difficult years of my life.<br />
<br />
This time last year we were just getting ready to discover Dr. Schoolcraft and his amazing team at CCRM. We would soon be heading to Lone Tree, CO for the first of many visits. <br />
<br />
This past year we experienced a lot of firsts:<br />
<br />
My first time drawing up meds<br />My first experience with daily injections and the bruising that follows<br />My first 3am wakeup for a trigger shot<br />My first retrieval and the subsequent loss of embryos<br />My first transfer and seeing in person our beautiful babies as embryos waiting for my womb<br /><ul>
</ul>
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We heard for the very first time the words "You're pregnant." </div>
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We also felt for the first time the pain of losing our sweet babies. The pain of that experience has dulled slightly, but I still cry and grieve their loss. Our counselor said in passing last week something about "our girls", and my heart caught in my throat. </div>
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Our girls. </div>
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I can't think that sentence, I can't type that sentence, without tears streaming.</div>
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In this last year, Michael and I have grown closer. We've had to really work on our marriage as this journey has challenged us spiritually, emotionally, and financially. </div>
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These are burdens no one should have to bear alone. That's why National Infertility Awareness Week is so important. There are people you love who have never seen two pink lines, who have gone into stupid debt to conceive, who have lost babies and continue to grieve, who don't know what to do next. You should know who those people are in your life and love them. Support them. Be there to listen to them and not to judge them. </div>
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This isn't a journey anyone should face alone.</div>
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-32752047333837770052016-04-08T14:26:00.000-07:002016-04-08T14:26:51.773-07:00Take 2We have successfully completed our 2nd IVF retrieval. Let me get the stats out of the way. <br />
<br />
<b>First Retrieval:</b><br />
*Retrieved 8 eggs<br />
*6 eggs were mature<br />
*4 eggs fertilized<br />
*3 embryos grew out to blastocyst<br />
*2 embryos were chromosomally normal<br />
<br />
<b>Second Retrieval:</b><br />
We participated in a study during this cycle and took acai berry pills for 3 months with the goal being to increase the number of eggs we were able to retrieve by about 30%.<br />
*Retrieved 11 eggs<br />
*7 eggs were mature at retrieval, 2 more eggs matured over night (BTW....I had no idea that was even a possibility)<br />
*5 eggs fertilized<br />
<br />
We are still waiting to know how many embryos grow out to blastocyst. We are also going to do a third retrieval in the next couple of months and will send all of our blasts to the chromosomal testing at once, so we still have a lot of waiting to do.<br />
<br />
So those are the stats. The acai berries seemed to fulfill expectations and produced, at least to this point, 30% more eggs and almost 30% more embryos. Apparently I should have done the math ahead of time, though, because we only have 1 more embryo at this point in the cycle than we did last time.....I was hoping for and expecting more. <br />
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Our goal is that after these two retrievals we will have a decent number (maybe 6?) of embryos that we can choose from for our transfer.<br />
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Thankfully, our trips to Colorado get to be more than ultrasounds, bloodwork and injections....although that <b>is </b>a lot of what goes on while we're there. We have <b>THE BEST </b>IVF nurse anyone could possibly ask for. <b><i>She is</i></b> <i style="font-weight: bold;">beyond amazing. </i>She's real with me, helps me laugh through the hard times and puts up with my crazy. That in and of itself qualifies her for some kind of medal of honor. We were so thrilled to be able to catch up with Cindy, her hubby and their two dogs while we were in Colorado. They introduced us to this awesome dog park inside of Chatfield State Park. The dog park is 69 acres with two ponds and walking trails. Bear was in doggy heaven! And if I'm honest, Michael and I had just as much fun there as he did. We actually went every day we were there!<br />
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Look at how much fun he had!</div>
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Bear spent his evenings sleeping. Chatfield wore him out!</div>
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We found another trail close by and tried to get a family picture. Bear wasn't super cooperative. We went to Chatfield after our 2 mile walk and let Bear do some more playing there. <br />
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Everyone was tired after getting up super early for our retrieval...</div>
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Side note....isn't this the cutest shirt?! A friend of mine gave it to me for my birthday. She, too, struggled with infertility. If you can identify at least 4 of the 5 acronyms....you've probably walked the infertility path. I wore it the day of my retrieval, and it was perfect!<br />
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And that was basically our trip. When Bear wasn't sleeping, he had his head on our shoulders or in between us on the console. He's such a sweet boy!</div>
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-69422200559512126602016-04-07T16:55:00.000-07:002016-04-07T16:55:04.543-07:00An UpdateThings have been pretty boring until recently on the fertility side of life, but incredibly nutso when it comes to everything else going on! Here are a few of the highlights:<br />
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1. We got a dog. I introduced him to the blog world a while ago, but that boy has grown so quickly! He's a Great Dane, so I shouldn't be surprised. And he's freaking adorable.<br />
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2. Work has been nuts! I have the privilege of being part of what will hopefully be our school district's model elementary school, but with this transition comes <b>a lot </b>of work. We will be 1:1 with devices, implementing a STEM curriculum, doing lots of remodeling in the building, experimenting with flexible seating within classrooms and experiencing a large amount of restaffing. I've basically been working two jobs in one since January.<br />
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3. Michael's business is getting closer and closer to being ready to take off! That man has poured two years worth of blood, sweat and tears into that business, and we are beyond ready for it to be a go! In the midst of everything else, I'm learning how to sew binding using an industrial sewing machine. I thought I'd be better at it than I am, and I hate being the hold up for Michael to move forward with the business!<br />
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4. Waiting to start our next IVF cycle has been so great, but the waiting was about to do me in. We really needed some time off from everything after losing our pregnancy in December. But, man, I'm ready to get moving again! We actually just got back from Colorado, and I'll be sharing the latest IVF news soon. In the mean time, isn't Bear so stinking adorable?! He is such a great traveler and slept the <b>entire </b>way there and back!<br />
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-48179216610946375892016-02-15T15:04:00.000-08:002016-02-15T15:04:33.788-08:00BearSince I've talked to you last, we've had an addition to our family...<br />
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This is Bear.</div>
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He's a blue Great Dane and growing like a weed! We've had him for a week and a half, and he's already grown a ton! </div>
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Last night we spent our first Valentine's Day together as a family. :-)</div>
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I'm sure there are many adventures in our future with this (not so) little guy!</div>
Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-12088411863359094662016-01-10T15:19:00.002-08:002016-01-10T15:26:53.385-08:00Lazarus<div style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 500; line-height: 1.1; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 20px;">
<span class="text John-11-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've been working through a lot lately (obviously), and the passage about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead kept coming up. One of the reasons I like to blog is that it gives me an opportunity to organize my thoughts, even though I'm not a great writer. So I present to you....my thoughts. Anticlimactic, I'm sure. :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; line-height: 1.1;">The Death of Lazarus (John 11)</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Now a certain <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">man</span> was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. </span><span class="text John-11-2" id="en-NKJV-26526" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">2 </span>It was <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">that</span> Mary who anointed the Lord with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. </span><span class="text John-11-3" id="en-NKJV-26527" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">3 </span>Therefore the sisters sent to Him, saying, “Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick.”</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-4" id="en-NKJV-26528" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">4 </span>When Jesus heard <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">that,</span> He said, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: yellow;"><span class="text John-11-5" id="en-NKJV-26529" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">5 </span>Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. </span><span class="text John-11-6" id="en-NKJV-26530" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">6 </span>So, when He heard that he was sick, He stayed two more days in the place where He was. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px;">Wait a second. This scripture says that Jesus </span><i style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px;">loved </i><span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px;">Mary and Martha and Lazarus. So if He really loved them, why didn't he get up and leave immediately?! Instead of going to those He loved to save someone He loved, he stayed put. He sat on His rear end and didn't move for TWO DAYS. </span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-7" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-7" id="en-NKJV-26531" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">7 </span>Then after this He said to <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">the</span> disciples, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Let us go to Judea again.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-8" id="en-NKJV-26532" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">8 </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">The</span> disciples said to Him, “Rabbi, lately the Jews sought to stone You, and are You going there again?”</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-9" id="en-NKJV-26533" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">9 </span>Jesus answered, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world.</span> </span><span class="text John-11-10" id="en-NKJV-26534" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">10 </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">But if one walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.”</span> </span><span class="text John-11-11" id="en-NKJV-26535" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">11 </span>These things He said, and after that He said to them, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Our friend Lazarus sleeps, but I go that I may wake him up.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-12" id="en-NKJV-26536" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">12 </span>Then His disciples said, “Lord, if he sleeps he will get well.” </span><span class="text John-11-13" id="en-NKJV-26537" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">13 </span>However, Jesus spoke of his death, but they thought that He was speaking about taking rest in sleep.</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-14" id="en-NKJV-26538" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">14 </span>Then Jesus said to them plainly, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Lazarus is dead.</span> </span><span class="text John-11-15" id="en-NKJV-26539" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">15 </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, that you may believe. Nevertheless let us go to him.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-16" id="en-NKJV-26540" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">16 </span>Then Thomas, who is called the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with Him.”</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.1;">I Am the Resurrection and the Life</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-17" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">17 </span><span style="background-color: white;">So when Jesus came, He found that </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">he had already been in the tomb four days.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> <b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Four days. Lazarus, the one whom Jesus supposedly loves, has been dead for FOUR days. And Jesus is just now showing up. </span></b></span></span><br />
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<span class="text John-11-18" id="en-NKJV-26542" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">18 </span>Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles<span class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NKJV-26542a" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NKJV-26542a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+11&version=NKJV#fen-NKJV-26542a" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #b34b2c; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote a">a</a>]</span> away. </span><span class="text John-11-19" id="en-NKJV-26543" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">19 </span>And many of the Jews had joined the women around Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning their brother.</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-20" id="en-NKJV-26544" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">20 </span>Now Martha, as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming, went and met Him, but Mary was sitting in the house. </span><span class="text John-11-21" id="en-NKJV-26545" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">21 </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">Now Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></span><span class="text John-11-22" id="en-NKJV-26546" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">22 </span>But even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You.” <b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ya think?! I can just imagine the heartache and questioning and anger that was probably in Martha's statement here and in her heart. You could have saved him, but you didn't come! If You have just <i>been </i>here! This story makes me angry <i>for </i>Martha.</span></b></span><br />
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<span class="text John-11-23" id="en-NKJV-26547" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">23 </span>Jesus said to her, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Your brother will rise again.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-24" id="en-NKJV-26548" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">24 </span>Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-25" id="en-NKJV-26549" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">25 </span>Jesus said to her, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.</span> </span><span class="text John-11-26" id="en-NKJV-26550" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">26 </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?”</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-27" id="en-NKJV-26551" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">27 </span>She said to Him, “Yes, Lord, I believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.1;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Jesus and Death, the Last Enemy</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-28" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">28 </span>And when she had said these things, she went her way and secretly called Mary her sister, saying, “The Teacher has come and is calling for you.” </span><span class="text John-11-29" id="en-NKJV-26553" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">29 </span>As soon as she heard <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">that,</span> she arose quickly and came to Him. </span><span class="text John-11-30" id="en-NKJV-26554" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">30 </span>Now Jesus had not yet come into the town, but was in the place where Martha met Him.</span><span class="text John-11-31" id="en-NKJV-26555" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">31 </span>Then the Jews who were with her in the house, and comforting her, when they saw that Mary rose up quickly and went out, followed her, saying, “She is going to the tomb to weep there.”</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-32" id="en-NKJV-26556" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">32 </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">Then, when Mary came where Jesus was, and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.”</span><span style="background-color: white;"> <b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can feel her grief. She fell down at the feet of Jesus, and questioned just as her sister had. Just as I have questioned. Lord, you could have stopped this. You could have <i>done </i>something!</span></b></span></span><br />
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<span class="text John-11-33" id="en-NKJV-26557" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">33 </span><span style="background-color: white;">Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">He groaned in the spirit and was troubled.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-33" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>This part is interesting to me. When I read this, I couldn't understand what this passage meant, so I looked up what it meant for Jesus to "grown in the spirit." The definition of the original word "groaned" means to be moved with anger. Strong's Concordance goes further to say it means, "I snort (with the notion of coercion springing out of displeasure, anger, indignation, antagonism)". Jesus snorted in displeasure. He was ticked! What the heck, Lord? YOU were ticked? In my anger and hurt from losing our babies my initial reaction to learning this was the meaning of the passage was for me to snort in indignation at Jesus! WHAT? Mary and Martha should be the ones who are angry! You could have saved their brother and instead You sat there and let him die. You could have saved my babies, but You didn't.</b></span></span><br />
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<span class="text John-11-34" id="en-NKJV-26558" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background-color: yellow;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">34 </span>And He said, </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background-color: yellow;">“Where have you laid him?”</span><span style="background-color: white;"> <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>After the "groaning in the spirit" lesson, </b></span></span><b style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hear Jesus ask this question in a different voice than I've read it before. He's not happy.</span></b></span></span><br />
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<span class="text John-11-34" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.”</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-35" id="en-NKJV-26559" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background-color: yellow;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">35 </span>Jesus wept.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People sent me this verse when trying to console me in my initial pain. I read the story of Lazarus during that time, and was honestly irritated with this little verse. <i>JESUS </i>is weeping?? He's the one who got everybody in this stupid mess. If He had gotten up and healed Lazarus from the get go, there wouldn't be anything to cry about! Stop crying, Jesus. This is Your fault. But the more I read this passage, the more I started to question <i>why </i>He was weeping. Surely it's not because Lazarus died. He already knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. Maybe He's weeping because this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Sin and death weren't supposed to be a part of this world. Weeping for loved ones wasn't part of the original plan. </span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or maybe He's weeping because of the lack of faith from those who loved Him most. Mary and Martha were some of His closest friends, and even they doubted Him. Could He have been weeping and upset because they didn't trust Him? </span></b></div>
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<span class="text John-11-36" id="en-NKJV-26560" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">36 </span>Then the Jews said, “See how He loved him!”</span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-37" id="en-NKJV-26561" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: yellow; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">37 </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">And some of them said, “Could not this Man, who opened the eyes of the blind, also have kept this man from dying?”</span></span><span class="text John-11-37" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background-color: yellow;"> </span> <b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More questioning Jesus' intention. More doubts.</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.1;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Lazarus Raised from the Dead</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-38" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">38 </span><span style="background-color: white;">Then Jesus, </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">again groaning in Himself,</span><span style="background-color: white;"> came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. </span></span><span class="text John-11-39" id="en-NKJV-26563" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="background-color: yellow; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">39 </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">Jesus said, </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background-color: yellow;">“Take away the stone.”</span><span style="background-color: white;"> <b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This kind of makes me laugh a little now. I've always imagined Jesus saying this in a kind, gentle, knowing way. Now I hear Him saying it with irritation and passion. Move the stinking stone so I can show You who I am. Now!</span></b></span></span></span><br />
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<span class="text John-11-39" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background-color: white;">Martha, the sister of him who was dead, said to Him, </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">“Lord, by this time there is a stench, for he has been <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">dead</span> four days.”</span><span style="background-color: white;"> <b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know Martha's kind of a mess, but I love her. She's my kinda mess. Better watch out for the stink, Lord. </span></b></span></span><br />
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<span class="text John-11-40" id="en-NKJV-26564" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background-color: yellow;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">40 </span>Jesus said to her, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?”</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"> <b> <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wonder how many times He's said this to me, and I've been too heartbroken, too angry, too consumed with my own grief (like Martha) to hear. </span></b></span></span><br />
<span class="text John-11-41" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="text John-11-41" id="en-NKJV-26565" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">41 </span><span style="line-height: 24px;">Then they took away the stone </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;">from the place</span><span style="line-height: 24px;"> where the dead man was lying.</span><span style="line-height: 22px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 24px;">And Jesus lifted up </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;">His</span><span style="line-height: 24px;"> eyes and said, </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">“Father, I thank You that You have heard Me.</span><span style="line-height: 24px;"> </span></span><span class="text John-11-42" id="en-NKJV-26566" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">42 </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">And I know that You always hear Me, but because of the people who are standing by I said <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">this,</span> that they may believe that You sent Me.”</span> </span><span class="text John-11-43" id="en-NKJV-26567" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">43 </span>Now when He had said these things, He cried with a loud voice, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Lazarus, come forth!”</span> </span><span class="text John-11-44" id="en-NKJV-26568" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">44 </span>And he who had died came out bound hand and foot with grave clothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Loose him, and let him go.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-44" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I've meditated over this scripture often in the last several weeks. I've questioned and wondered and searched for answers in this scripture. Just like Mary and Martha, I've asked God why He didn't do something. How could He allow this terrible thing to happen? Lord, if You'd only been here. I know You are able, but why aren't You willing? </b></span></span></div>
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<span class="text John-11-44" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>And I wonder if maybe...just maybe...God withheld a miracle so He would have the opportunity to perform an even greater one. I wonder if His answer to, "Why Lord??" is truly for His glory to be made known...to perform the bigger miracle. </b></span></span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">God allowed Mary and Martha to experience pain and heartache so they could experience an even greater miracle than they had asked for. I wish the Bible told us about Mary and Martha's reaction when Lazarus walked out of the tomb. Can you even imagine?? I have to believe there were screams and tears of joy. It brings tears to my eyes imagining the scene. </span></b><br />
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<b style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">And although Mary and Martha were surely happy beyond words, I'd bet they'd rather have not had to go through the pain He allowed them to feel in order to get to that moment. If Mary and Martha could have scripted it, I'd bet they'd skip the whole pain part of this story and just go the easy route and have Jesus heal their brother before He died. But their lives were to glorify Him, even through the pain. The joy at the end of the story may not wipe away their pain, but I take some solace in realizing that there was a purpose to their pain.</b></span><br />
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<b style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We have been praying for a miracle. All we want is a baby. And I've played the Mary and Martha card. I've questioned and cried and doubted and been flat out ticked off. And I think that's okay. I think God's big enough to handle all of that from me. But what's not okay is for me to stay stuck here, in this muck of doubt and anger. </span></b></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, what if God is holding out and allowing us to experience this terrible pain so that He will have the opportunity to perform the bigger miracle? What if He's still planning to perform a miracle in our lives? There's hope. That hope, mind you, doesn't erase the pain and heartache that I still feel. I still cry at the thought of my sweet baby girls. If I could have it my way, I'd skip this whole infertility battle and take a free-to-make baby any day of the week. I'd rather avoid the pain altogether and just go straight to the bundle of joy wrapped up in my arms. But if there's hope at the end of the story, if there's a miracle for my life, if the Lazarus in my life can also be raised from the dead....then I'll take it.</span></b></div>
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-34689023769730782412015-12-31T13:36:00.000-08:002015-12-31T14:51:06.988-08:00Stretcher Bearers<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="text Mark-2-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;">And again He entered Capernaum after <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">some</span> days, and it was heard that He was in the house. </span><span class="text Mark-2-2" id="en-NKJV-24263" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">2 </span>Immediately many gathered together, so that there was no longer room to receive <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">them,</span> not even near the door. And He preached the word to them. </span><span class="text Mark-2-3" id="en-NKJV-24264" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">3 </span><u style="background-color: yellow;">Then they came to Him, bringing a paralytic who was carried by four <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">men.</span> </u></span><span class="text Mark-2-4" id="en-NKJV-24265" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: yellow; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;"><u><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">4 </span>And when they could not come near Him because of the crowd, they uncovered the roof where He was. So when they had broken through, they let down the bed on which the paralytic was lying.</u></span></i></span><br />
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<span class="text Mark-2-5" id="en-NKJV-24266" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">5 </span>When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Son, your sins are forgiven you.”</span></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="text Mark-2-6" id="en-NKJV-24267" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">6 </span>And some of the scribes were sitting there and reasoning in their hearts,</span><span class="text Mark-2-7" id="en-NKJV-24268" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">7 </span>“Why does this <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">Man</span> speak blasphemies like this? Who can forgive sins but God alone?”</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="text Mark-2-8" id="en-NKJV-24269" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">8 </span>But immediately, when Jesus perceived in His spirit that they reasoned thus within themselves, He said to them, <span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“Why do you reason about these things in your hearts?</span> </span><span class="text Mark-2-9" id="en-NKJV-24270" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">9 </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, ‘<span style="box-sizing: border-box;">Your</span> sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise, take up your bed and walk’?</span> </span><span class="text Mark-2-10" id="en-NKJV-24271" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">10 </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">But that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins”</span>—He said to the paralytic, </span><span class="text Mark-2-11" id="en-NKJV-24272" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">11 </span><span class="woj" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">“I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.”</span></span><span class="text Mark-2-12" id="en-NKJV-24273" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">12 </span>Immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went out in the presence of them all, so that all were amazed and glorified God, saying, “We never saw <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">anything</span> like this!” </span></i></span><i style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text Mark-2-12" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Mark 2:1-12</span></i></div>
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In his book "Becoming a Stretcher Bearer," Michael Slater "encourages people to put 'feet' to their prayers through active encouragement. Pastor Slater was launching a ministry based on the apostle Mark's dramatic account about the compassionate and inventive band of friends who came to the rescue of a paralyzed man by carrying him on a stretcher so he could get to Jesus for healing." [<i>When I Lay My Issac Down </i>by Carol Kent] In the midst of her personal Issac situation, Carol Kent says "I was hurting badly, but I was being loved deeply." I second that sentiment.</div>
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My stretcher bearers have been such a gift. So many friends and family who have called or texted or just prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself. Friends who continue to send text messages of love and encouragement, even when I haven't had it in me to respond to their messages. I didn't realize how powerful and emotional and meaningful it would be for people to refer to our lost babies as "your girls"- to acknowledge that their lives, however short, were real. The gift of a bracelet with two hearts to remember our sweet girls. A gift card in the mail so Michael and I can escape to a movie and enjoy a night out. A care package sent from across country. So many people who have empathized with our pain, allowed me to not be okay and volunteered to stand in the gap for me and pray on my behalf. Words cannot express how much these "stretcher bearers" have meant to me. People who have carried me when I couldn't carry myself. People who have gone out of their way to be an encouragement.</div>
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There are some "stretcher bearer" moments that stick out to me the most, that will likely be a part of my heart until I am able to hold my babies on the other side of heaven. One sweet friend, who is also walking through infertility and IVF herself, asked about our baby's names. We had already decided on names, and it was such a sweet opportunity for me to be able to share those with her. The details of the heartache of the situation wasn't lost on this friend. Another friend, who has suffered devastating miscarriages, texted me this:</div>
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<i>Lauren, I am so so so sorry. My heart hurts inside me and I know that as grief. Your daughters awoke in Glory and await you. But I know that brings very very little earthly reprise from the wretched ache. I can only go before the throne on your behalf. And I will.</i></div>
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I cry every time I read that message, knowing the truth in her words but continuing to feel the ache of loss. I don't know how to properly show my gratitude for the love and encouragement and prayers of my "stretcher bearers". But I thank God for that provision. I have been hurting badly but have been loved so deeply.</div>
Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060805037292128529.post-84805012174655648832015-12-28T08:37:00.000-08:002015-12-28T08:37:25.112-08:00CrossroadsWe lost our pregnancy 3 weeks ago, and I've hardly prayed since then. I've caught myself praying without realizing it for little things and stopped myself mid-sentence. I've been so angry with God and so heartbroken that I couldn't bring myself to talk to Him. I've debated with myself over writing about the spiritual struggle that has accompanied our infertility. I don't want my struggles and doubts to make anyone else stumble. I only want to be an encouragement to others in their faith. But it feels dishonest if I pretend I haven't struggled in my faith.<br />
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The hardest part for me in this whole thing has been the day we found out we were pregnant. For a small moment in time, we were happy. We had the babies we had dreamed of for so long, only to have the dream ripped away days later. It felt cruel. We trusted God, and it felt as though he were teasing us only to break out hearts again. <br />
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I've struggled so much with the "why." Why did God allow this to happen? If we weren't going to be pregnant, fine. We would be devastated, but it would have been so much easier to have received a negative pregnancy test from the beginning. It just felt mean. And outside of "Your plan for our lives sucks", I haven't had much to say to God. We've had many well-intentioned friends quote scripture to us, but in the midst of our heartbreak it feels like they've been quoting scripting <i style="font-weight: bold;">at </i>us. Hearing that God is working things for our good and that Jesus wept and that God is close to the brokenhearted feels so trite in the middle of our heartbreak. He could have saved us from being brokenhearted, but He didn't. He's hoarding my babies in heaven, and I don't like it! I used to take comfort in knowing that God formed me in my mother's womb and that our infertility wasn't a surprise to Him. In my grief, though, it just made me angry. The Lord formed me. Like <i style="font-weight: bold;">this. </i>Knowing full well that we would be here in this moment, heartbroken. He could have stopped this. He could have made me differently. He could have allowed my babies to continue to grow inside of me.<br />
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On top of the heartache of losing our pregnancy, I am struggling with the financial burden this means for our family. No matter our course of action for the future, whether it be adoption or continued IVF, we are going to be tens upon tens of thousands of dollars in debt. A debt that will cripple us for years to come.<br />
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I am confident I am not alone in this season of struggle and of pain, regardless the source. I've started seeing a Christian counselor because I don't know how to get unstuck on my own. The first time I met with him, I told him that as heartbroken as I am, I know there are worse circumstances and worse pain out there. My pain cannot compare to so many others. Others who have birthed babies who weren't alive. Others whose children have died from terrible diseases. My pain and my experience are nothing compared to so many others. But, as he reminded me, my pain is real. My heartache is real. And, to be completely transparent and honest, it's made me question my relationship with God, which is something I wasn't prepared for.<br />
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I've been at a crossroads in my faith for the past three weeks: a) move forward, following a God I don't understand and right now a God I don't even like or b) walk away from my faith altogether. I can't walk away. I can't turn my back on everything I've ever believed and known and followed. But I haven't been ready for option a. I'm at a crossroads and not ready to make a choice. And for right now, I'm going to be okay with that. For now, I'm just going to stand here at the crossroads and wait.<br />
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I've been reading a book called "When I Lay My Issac Down." The author of the book, Carol Kent, asked the same question my heart has been screaming, "Why didn't God <i style="font-weight: bold;">DO </i>something?" She referred to James 1:2.<br />
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<i>My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials...</i></div>
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Honestly, this verse was irritating to me initially. If somebody walked up to me and quoted this verse at me, they may have to count it all joy the trial of me punching them in the throat. I have no joy in this struggle. Let me skip over the "joy" in this trial and whatever "good" things God has planned for me down the road and just give me back my babies. But Carol Kent's point here is this: </div>
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<li>Trials are inevitable. The verse says <i style="font-weight: bold;">when </i>you fall into trials, not <i style="font-weight: bold;">if</i>.</li>
<li>Trials are for a purpose: Suffering was part of the process for Jesus, so it will also be a part of the process for those who love and follow Him.</li>
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I'm going to be honest. I hate this process. But as much as it infuriates me, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. So I've begun praying again, slowly. Hoping that baby steps will eventually lead me down the right path.</div>
Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16300862788704173763noreply@blogger.com2