Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Revolutionary Resolution

I've been feeling guilty about my last post. Yes, it is exactly where I was in my faith walk at that moment and my feelings and disappointment were and still are genuine. But it seems like such a bummer way to have ushered out 2010 and welcomed in 2011. As I'm sure many can understand, the holidays always do this to me. It's a double-edged sword. I need the time off and I absolutely cherish the time to work through my to-do list and enjoy family and friends. But in all of that "extra" time I get during this time of the year, it is that much more evident that I am alone. And the older I get, the harder this time of the year is for me. Next week when the craziness of 24 second graders and 5am wake up calls and grad school assignments hit, the loneliness will play second fiddle to the busyness. I'll still feel the loneliness, but the busyness takes the edge off the pain.

I've always been a busy person --
always had my candle burning at both ends. I think mostly out of pride -- kind of a "Look how good I am that I can keep all of these balls in the air at one time with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back!" But what I've discovered as of the
last couple of years as the Lord has worked deeper into my heart is that that kind of busyness does not allow true time to commune with Him. I think that the Lord has been breaking me over the last 10 months - more gently than He has in the past, but breaking me just the same. And I think that's one of the reasons why I have struggled so this year to keep everything going.

I'm working through Beth Moore's "90 Days With The One and Only" and tonight she had this to say about the purpose behind being broken by the Lord.

"God's intent in breaking us is to bend our stiff knees so that we will submit to His authority and take on His yoke. His aim is our abundant and effective life."

I can sincerely say that my life in the last few months has been anything but abundant and effective. And guess who's fault that is. MINE.

So tonight I'm making a revolutionary resolution for myself (again, inspired by Miss Beth). She says in "Praying God's Word Day By Day:"

The giant step in the walk of faith is the one we
take when we decide God no longer is a part of
our lives. He is our life.

So, my revolutionary resolution is this: GOD IS MY LIFE. It may not be so revolutionary in theory, but for me it will be pretty darn revolutionary in practice. There's no more trying to find fifteen minutes at the end of the day to spend with Him. There's no more quick prayer and then off to another meeting. He's not going to just be reserved for a certain time of the day and put back on the shelf when I'm finished.

Now, here's the kicker -- I still feel how I feel when I wrote my last post. I'm still sad and disappointed and longing. The pain is still there FOR SURE! But my relationship with The One who died for me while I was yet a sinner isn't going to be contingent on the ups and downs on my emotions. I choose to make Him my life -- no matter how I feel today.

Here's my prayer for this year and every year to come (again, stolen from Beth's "Praying God's Word Day By Day"):

My Father, I acknowledge that You are the Lord Almighty. You are the first and You are the last, and apart from You there is no other God. Make me witness to the fact that there is no other Rock but You. Enable me to say with full assurance, "I know not one" (Isa. 44:6, 8).

You are my Lord, my Holy One, my Creator, my King. You are the One who made a way through the sea, a path through mighty waters (Isa. 43:15-16).

You are the Lord my God. I desire to love You, listen to Your voice, and hold fast to You,
for You, Lord, are my life (Deut. 30:20).


  1. Lauren, NO GUILT! Don't go there. I am SO GRATEFUL for your authenticity. I tried to post after you wrote "Awkard" because I was certain that you read my journal. We are in similar situations. I'm 26, single as can be, elementary teacher, wondering "what next" and "this can't be it..." I've been pouty this CHristmas break for no good reason. Weary, I guess, but waaay too self-centered. Thanks, again, for your honesty...Sincerely, Jenn

  2. Thanks again for sharing from your heart. I love this resolution!