Monday, January 30, 2012


I started this blog initially for a couple of reasons.  One - to document my journey with the Lord for my sake.  Just to have record of what He has done through the seasons of my life.  If somebody reads it, fine.  If nobody reads it, that's fine too.  Two - To connect with other singles who long to be a wife and mom.  It's lonely in the Christian world of singledom.  We need each other!

Okay, so apparently I just had two reasons.  Point being that I have been, at times, painfully honest about my journey in singleness on this blog.  It seems that it would be hypocritical of me to shut down now and not be just as painfully honest through my journey of dating.  This is all still part of the journey He has me on.

All that to bring me to one word.  


I've never been the one to carry the baggage in a relationship.  This is new territory for me.  But I'm definitely the baggage-carrier here.  A couple of weeks ago I made Michael come over because I needed to talk.  I'm pretty sure he was a bit concerned about this "talk" but I assured him that it wasn't a big deal.  Just some things I needed to share with him.  Things I needed him to know.

Honestly, I was freaking out a little bit.  And here's why.

I was afraid.  Actually....I am afraid.  Let me explain in typical Type-A fashion.  Bullet points.

  • I'm afraid that I'm going to try to force something that isn't right.  (Baggage from unhealthy relationship #1.)  I've done it before....who's to say I won't do it again?  I do want so much to be married.  What if I let that drive me into forcing a square peg into a round hole (as my mother would say)?
  • I'm afraid that I won't be able to fall in love.  Here I have this man who is PERFECT for me on paper.  I mean, people, PERFECT on paper.  What if I can't fall in love?  What if my heart just doesn't go there?  What then?  And I can't help but let my mind wander down the "there isn't anyone left out there" road.  If I pass up on this guy....there's nothing left out there. (Baggage from unhealthy relationship #2.  I started to fall in love then....and my heart was broken.  What if it's broken permanently??)
  • I'm afraid that either fear #1 or fear #2 will happen and our relationship will end.  My friends and family have been soo excited for me.  After all....this could be "the one"!   If I can't make it work....if I mess this up or if my heart just won't fall.....I am afraid of all of the disappointment I will cause for my friends and my family.  (This is just my own brain.  No ex-boyfriend to blame here!)
And I know all of the rational responses to each of those fears.  I know.  I get it.  But here's the bottom line.  My fears are completely irrational but completely logical.  And they're mine.  They are the essence of what I'm seriously fighting against.  There are days when I'm completely good....not afraid of anything in this relationship.  And then there are days when I fight the constant nagging of these fears.  

Is it Satan trying to keep me from enjoying what the Lord is blessing me with?  Maybe.
Is it me just being plain old crazy?  Likely.
Is it the Lord trying to say something to me?  Beats me.  

Here's what I do know.  Fear is sin.  Fear comes from not believing that the Lord will take care of me.  So I'm going to die daily to this sin of fear, and trust that no matter what -- even if it's Fear #1, #2 or #3 coming true -- I do not have to fear.  

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, 
but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7


  1. I've been reading your blog for about a year. I am also a single, Christian, elementary school teacher, too. I found your words very encouraging. I was very excited to see that you had found someone special. I'm praying for y'all!

  2. Girl, I so get what you're going through!! Although I'm still a single girl, I have some of those same fears!! My previous 2 relationships(the only 2 I count as serious relationships) have ended in heartbreak and for 2 completely different reasons. Praying for you!!

  3. Thanks, girls!! I appreciate your comments (and your prayers!) SOO much!!!

  4. Hi Lauren-
    I came across your blog a few months ago from Kelley's Corner and I wanted to say, hang in there and I know how you feel. I too had tons of relationship baggage. I had dated selfish men and men who treated me terrible and men who didn't love me for me, the list went on and on. Then in 2010 I met the love of my life, we are getting married this July and he changed my life and my relationship with men and myself for that matter forever. He taught me not only to trust, but also to let the fear go, even before we were engaged I had a moment where I simply stop fearing he would leave, I knew he would always stand by my side. I waited a long time and I often joke I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found him, but I did. The right man will show you how to let the baggage go, he will carry the baggage for you (just like a guy should anyways right?) and the fear will melt away. Please know that you deserve an amazing man, who loves you for you and who helps you through the hard stuff in life. I pray that you find that man, in Mike or in someone else, but just know he is out there for you.

  5. Fear definitely isn't from God. I struggled with the same thing in the relationship I ended a few short months ago. With a lot of prayer and seeking God's heart, I figured out that my nagging concerns were an indication that the relationship wasn't meant to be.

    I'm not saying that this is true for you. It seems like Mike is a wonderful, godly man and you are pretty darn crazy about him. What I AM saying is that the more you seek God's heart and desire for your life, the more you gain clarity in areas of uncertainty.

    Praying for you that you come to a place where you are comfortable, content, and in love ;)

  6. I FEAR that I will always be alone! Love this post and love that you continue to share your heart on this journey you are on. Thank you for expressing your thoughts on fear. I needed to read them today!

  7. Thanks girls, for your thoughts and words! Paige, I fear that, too. After all, if this isn't IT.....where does that leave me?? I love you girls!