Acceptance

So, the ex came back for a few days (figuratively speaking since he lives in another state). He made an appearance this past week-ish and then decided to hang out in my life again into this week, bringing along with him those same old butterflies in my tummy and unrest in my heart. He's a temptation I can't (or choose not to) fight -- even though I know I should. All the while, though, the Lord has been reminding me of a Word He spoke to me in a previous post:

"How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him?" 1 Samuel 16:1

And even though I think I am starting to mourn for that relationship all over again, the Lord spoke to me today - TWICE.


"Why are you even TALKING to him??? I HAVE REJECTED HIM FOR YOU!!"


Okay, Lord. I hear You. My over-analytical self would like to have the option of believing the Lord could potentially be saying I have rejected him for you for now, but regardless if the Lord's rejected him for now or forever, he's been rejected for me. Why in the world am I even playing along with whatever game he's playing with me?!? My mother would tell me to delete his phone number from my phone and un-friend him on facebook, but I struggle with such finality!


I sat down tonight to do my Bible study, and I looked at my verse of the year (thank you God through Caroline) - Proverbs 2. I long for wisdom and knowledge and discernment. What an amazing verse (well, chapter really) for me to be studying this year. I have it framed on my devotional desk.

I stared at the first sentence tonight in amazement.


My son (or daughter) if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.


Here's the bottom line. I have to accept the word He has for me. And the word He has for me says He has rejected the man that I wanted. I need to accept that now. Stop looking back. Stop wishing and hoping for God to work some crazy Hollywood romance story line. I need to accept His word.


All in all, I am exhausted from these past few weeks. It's been a battle. My pastor has been talking about spiritual warfare and how deceptive Satan is. It's all about spiritual warfare. I got to thinking tonight on the way to class that I really do feel like I've been through a battle the last few weeks. I have battle scars. I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally. It's just been a battle. And the thought hit me (now bear with me because I'm pretty much just thinking this one out loud right now), yes I have the ultimate victory because of the death and resurrection of Christ. Praise the Lord!! But it's still a battle. There's still a war being waged, and I don't think it's realistic for me to believe that I will come out of battle without wounds and without a little dirt on my hands -- maybe a blister or two.


So, while I'm ready for a reprieve in the battle, I will keep fighting. I will accept the Word the Lord has given me, and I will keep fighting.