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Sunday, September 18, 2016
Weeping May Last Through the Night
I don't know how to start this post, so I guess I'll just say it.
We lost two more babies to heaven.
Our second IVF failed. We found out yesterday that we aren't pregnant.
And we are devastated.
Somehow we know that God is working through this. We know He is sovereign and He loves us and He is wring a beautiful story with our lives. But right now we hate this story. We want a do-over. We want someone else's story, please. Someone who gets free-to-make babies and has the family they always dreamt of and isn't in crippling debt.
I started reading a book called "Laying My Issac Down" after our first failed IVF. For some reason I never finished it and started reading it again on our way back to Colorado this time. There's a part in her story where she has hundreds of people praying for her family and yet they still received devastating news. In the midst of her heartbreak she says, "With the network of friends and family across the country who have been praying, we know this judgment is not a mistake."
We have had people whose names we don't even know praying for us. Knowing that and believing that no matter what, God is good and He loves us....somehow we know this failed IVF isn't a mistake either. It sure feels like a mistake to me (How can this be?!), but I am believing that God hasn't forgotten us and is going to bless us with a family. After all, He makes beauty from ashes, and we are nothing but ashes right now.
We are beyond heartbroken and confused and not sure of our next step. We have one embryo left, but is it insanity to transfer that one to me knowing we've had two failed IVFs? Clearly my body is incapable of carrying a baby - the biggest hallmark of what it means to be a woman. What would be different this time?? Do we use a surrogate? And who? Do we start looking at adoption? Every one of these paths is overwhelming, and quite frankly, heartbreaking because it's not what we wanted for our family. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. But we are clinging to His word and forced to remind ourselves of His goodness every minute of every day.