Human

We continue to be not pregnant.  We're meeting with a doctor in Colorado in about a week to start our testing with him before we move to IVF.  So far, he's given me the closest thing to a diagnosis that anyone has given me --- endometriosis.  According to him, 50-60% of women with stage 1 endometriosis (that's me) will never get pregnant without assistance.  Sounds like a diagnosis to me.

So I'm grateful for that (a diagnosis, I mean).  And I'm grateful that we'll have a plan of attack in the very near future.  I'm not so much grateful for the price tag of that plan -- upwards of $30,000 by the time we're finished. And that's just for one blessed attempt to have a baby.

There are days when I'm okay with where we are, knowing that God has a plan for our lives.  There are days when I'm even a little excited for IVF (Can we say twins?!).  But today I'm just angry and frustrated.  And sad.

WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET PREGNANT?  (That's the line that screams almost continuously in my head at times like this.)  All I want is a baby!  Other people get babies all the time without even trying!  God can act, and is choosing to not.  It makes me crazy sometimes, the reality of that statement.

I found out today that some good friends of ours are pregnant.  AGAIN.  We can't get one kid, and they're on their tenth.  (Not really, but I do appreciate a bit of exaggeration.)  Before I say this next thing, hear me say that it is absolutely ridiculous.  I'm ridiculous and crazy, I know.  I love these people that just got pregnant again, and I know they love us.  But in my heart of  hearts, when people that I know and love get pregnant I can't help but to feel a little (or a lot) hurt.  Like they did it to me on purpose.  How could they get pregnant again when we haven't even had one?!  I know I'm ridiculous.  And probably a little bit selfish at this point.  And maybe a little narcissistic.

Listen, I know Jesus is the source of my hope.  I know He is in complete and total control.  He really and truly is.  And I do hold fast to Him in these intense times of pain and frustration.  But today I'm just frustrated.  And tired.  And heartbroken.  And human.