I don't even know where to begin with this post. There have been so many things going on as of late that my head is just swimming. Here's the reader's digest version:
- School started two weeks ago and I'm teaching a completely different content (I'm now teaching second grade regular ed when for the last five years I've taught elementary music). I don't know the curriculum and, while it's not difficult, it's new. And new is difficult. I'm a first year teacher all over again, and it's absolutely consuming virtually every waking moment.
- Grad school started two weeks ago as well. We're writing a 50-ish page research paper -- with chapters. Chapters, people. I can barely get myself to write a paper with paragraphs. I haven't written a research paper since high school (which I didn't fare too well on). I don't have any idea what I'm doing except that I'm up to my eyeballs in articles about why the arts are important in public education.
- My sustained obedience to the Lord has waivered a bit the last few days in my giving Him part of my day to meet with Him. I'm still trying to balance the craziness of the school year with my obedience to my Lord.
- Some relationship/friendship issues came to a head -- which was actually a really good thing, but never easy.
- Satan has shown his ugly face. I am dealing with ugly, false accusations at work. I do not like Satan.
- I "fell off the wagon" in regards to some promises I made myself and the Lord about a previous relationship. I am currently disgusted with myself.
So, all in all, things are feeling a bit out of control. But the Lord knows me. He is my Maker. He knows my heart. And He made me to hear Him best when He speaks to me through music. This morning after I drug my sorry rear to church, I was blessed nearly to tears by the song we sang. It's a song I'm fairly certain I've blogged about - "He Knows My Name". When I was dealing with the initial heartbreak of my last relationship (see past blogs if you're unfamiliar), the Lord wanted me to know one thing --- He heard my cries. He was shouting to me "I HEAR YOU!!" And I love Him for continuing to remind me that He hears me. Lord Jesus, I praise you for hearing me! I take comfort in knowing that You hear my cries.
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
Tonight (while I was frantically finishing my lesson plans for the week), I was listening to another song that has spoken to my heart like crazy -- "How He Loves". The Lord has been so good the last couple of weeks to allow me to worship Him with this song on the way to work on multiple occasions. (I think some of my students' parents are beginning to get curious as to what I'm doing sitting in my car in the parking lot with my hands waving around in the air. I digress.) I noticed a part in those lyrics tonight that I had not noticed before.
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way He loves us
I don't freely admit this, but I have a fear that has become an ongoing sin-battle for me. I am terrified of being alone for forever. I'm afraid of not being desired or loved or sought after. And, while I have for the most part conquered this fear, I have only done so by daily choosing to believe Him and trust Him with my future. Every once in a while (i.e. this weekend), I fail to trust and turn back to my own ridiculous ways. And I have regrets. Lots of them. Lord, thank you for reminding me to focus on how you love me so that I don't even have time to maintain my regrets. I can repent and then move on and leave them behind.
My Bible study tonight was another reminder my amazing Father blessed me with tonight. The Lord has given me peace of mind and heart (John 14:27). He is here with me (even if I feel alone and remain single for forever) and He doesn't want me to fear (John 6:20). In fact, He never intended for me to fear. He wants me to trust Him with my future - my everything (Mark 5:36).
I have a Father who calls me His own. He'll never leave me no matter where I go. Thank you, Lord. Satan cannot have this child. Satan works in vain because my heart and soul and mind and life belong to the One true God, the God of Creation, the Lover of my Soul. I am moved to tears by the idea that He is jealous for me, His glory eclipses all of my afflictions, and He hears me when I call. I love you, Lord.