Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The Place Where Hope Lives

Yesterday afternoon my IVF nurse called with the news we've been waiting for.  The results for our third and final embryo were in.  In my quiet time that morning I had prayed specifically for our third baby, that it would be transferrable and that God would be willing to bless us with our only AA embryo.

Each embryo is graded once is reaches day 5 or 6 which is the blastocyst stage, and AA is the highest grade.  We never even dreamed that we would be capable of creating an embryo of that kind of quality.  So when in June we were told we actually had an AA, we were beyond ecstatic.  When we receive our CCS (Comprehensive Chromosomal Screening) results, we are only told the grades of the normal chromosomes (ours were an AB and a BA, both better quality than what we transferred last year). We had no idea the grade of our third embryo that was being rebiopsied, but I was silently, hesitantly hoping we hadn't lost our coveted AA.

When I answered the phone yesterday afternoon, some of the first words out of our nurse Cindy's mouth were, "Your embryo is normal!"

Our embryo is normal.  We have three.  We have enough for two more transfers.  I made her say those words again just in case I had misunderstood.  My obvious next question?  What's the grade of that precious embryo??

It's our AA.  Typing those words right now brings me to my knees in tears.  Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you for giving us all three.  Thank you that our AA survived.  Thank you for hearing the desperate cries of our heart, Lord, that you would bless us with this baby, too.

In my quiet time, I almost couldn't bring myself to ask Him for that AA.  I was afraid He would let me down.  I was afraid of more disappointment.  I.was.afraid.  But instead of disappointment, I find myself today in the place where hope lives.  Hope for a family.  Hope to be a mom.  Hope for biological babies. Hope to carry my babies and protect them inside my own body.  Hope for answered prayers.

Honestly, this is a strange place, this place of hope.  For the last three and a half years, we have lived in the place of frustration and disappointment and bad news.  I almost feel like a foreigner here.  But it's also a place where fear can sneak up out of nowhere and whisper "what ifs" in your ear.  What if none of these embryos transfer successfully?  What if you are in this crippling debt and end up childless at the end?  What if after this joy of three amazing embryos, you still never get to be a mom?  Satan can turn this place of joy and hope into a place of fear and doubt in an instant.

But today I refuse to go back to fear and doubt.  Do you hear that, Satan?!  I. REFUSE.  I am letting go of the "what ifs" and the fear of what's to come, if only for a day.  Today I want to rest in this place of hope.  Today I want to cry happy tears.  Tears of gratefulness and joy.  Today we get to truly rejoice in His love and His goodness and His provision in this place where HOPE lives.

We wait in hope for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice,
     for we trust in His holy name
May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
     even as we put our hope in You.

Psalm 33:20-22 (NIV)