Thursday, February 6, 2014

Trust Without Borders

I haven't blogged since this summer.  I started a new job (again) this school year in a new district (again) in a new grade (again).  While this job makes me a thousand times happier than my jobs the last two years, the transition has been tough to make at times.  Last year I left for work at 8:30 and drove 5 minutes down the road to school.  I was home by 4:30 every night and had dinner almost finished if not on the table every night when Michael came home.  I loved that.  I felt like a "good wife", but was completely unsatisfied (dare I say, miserable?) during the day.  So when this new position became available in a district 30 minutes away, while I have had to make some sacrifices (like dinner being on the table at 6:00), it really was a blessing.  A complete "God thing."

So with 6 months having passed since my last post, I feel new at this blogging thing again.  I didn't even finish posting pictures of our trip to France!  I miss this.  Even Michael says he misses my blog -- which is funny because he is a significantly more private person than I am.  He's less willing to lay it all out there for the world to read.  :-)

Lately the Lord seems to be calling me to trust Him in a really big way.  In a way that is scary to me.  In a way that could mean the death of a dream (or at the least the way I've dreamed it for so many years), if I am truly willing to trust Him.  My natural inclination is to hold on to this dream with all my might and try to force it to be.  But in reality, that's not only impossible….it's unwise.  And shines a spotlight on my lack of faith.

It seems like I have a different song that the Lord uses to speak to me in different seasons of my life.  I've blogged about this before.  When I hear David Crowder's "How He Loves"and J.J. Heller's "Your Hands" I immediately want to tell whoever's closest, "That's my song."  The Lord used those songs so much to speak truth and life into me.  And to comfort me in the midst of trials and pain.  I feel like that's happening again with this new stage of waiting.  (PS…Does waiting on the Lord ever get easier?  Or just go away altogether???)

Waiting isn't easy for me.  I want it now, and I want it my way.  I am Type A and a planner.  I know how things are supposed to work.  I have the when's and where's all planned out.  Oh, how the Lord continues to stretch me and grow me to wait on Him and to trust in Him.

Have you heard the Hillsong United song "Oceans"?  It's beautiful.

And amazing.

And scary.

All at the same time.  It's become my prayer as I wait, scared (no, terrified) of what may lie around the next corner.  Read these lyrics.  I mean really read these lyrics.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Whenever I find myself singing/praying these words, I have to remind myself of the ramifications of what I'm asking the Lord to do.  He'll lead me into those waters, alright.  Will I go willingly?  Or will I go kicking and screaming?  Will I trust?  Will I truly trust Him without borders?  No matter where His path (which I know in my head is ultimately perfect and much better than mine) may lead?  Even if where He takes me isn't what I had planned?

Lord, prepare me for what lies ahead.  Help me to trust You without borders.  Help me to love You and trust You more than I love and trust my own plans.  Help me to die to my own desires so that I am able to live for Your holy and perfect plan.  And, Lord, I pray that my faith would be made stronger in Your presence.