Awkward

I'm not a writer.  I write in my prayer journal (because it's the only way I can keep my thoughts on track) and I write this blog (really more for my own sake of documenting my journey than for anything or anyone else).  But I'm not a writer.  I feel as though I should have this disclaimer at the beginning of every post.  I've been reading a lot of different posts lately -- posts of people who can actually write.  And it's made me realize how bad I really am at writing!  So if you're wanting to read some serious literary prose, this isn't the blog for you.  If you want to hear how the Lord is moving in my life -- keep reading.

This last month or so has been hard.  I've written a lot about how overwhelmed with life I've been.  And although I've prayed for some reprieve, it really has only gotten worse.  And so I fell back into old habits.  I put off meeting with the Lord.  And, for some reason, I got really upset with Him.  This walk is supposed to be easier.  It should be easier to spend time with Him.  It should be easier to wait on Him.  My longings should be met and my desires should be fulfilled.  My family members should love Him and be saved.  I shouldn't have to be so alone.  So I made the conscious decision to ignore my time with Him - to let that time be filled up with the multitude of other things clamoring for my attention.  And then the guilt began to weigh down on me.  I'd go to bed at night knowing I had missed the most important part of my day.  But I closed my eyes and went to sleep anyway.  After all, I reasoned, it's very important to be well-rested.  

And then the Christmas season was here -- and it slapped me in the face.  I was eye to eye with the gift of the first Christmas.  Songs of Him played in my ear and burst forth from my lips.  And so, at some point I decided not to be upset anymore.  But, in true stubborn-Lauren spirit, that didn’t make me come right back to Him and our relationship.  It really just intensified my guilt.  And I kept saying, "Tomorrow.  I'll get back to my Bible study and quiet time.....tomorrow."  

I knew I needed to renew my relationship with Him, but I felt....well....awkward.  Like when girls argue with eachother and eventually get over themselves but don’t want to (or don’t know how to) be the first to break the silence.  It’s awkward.   And for some reason I felt awkward coming to the Lord after so openly and consciously and obviously avoiding Him for the past month.  

But somehow one day I got over myself.  I made the first step.  I apologized.  I confessed. I repented.  I told the Lord about my broken heart (as if He didn't already know).  I used lots of exclamation points in my prayer journal (shocker, I know).  And it occurred to me -- THIS is true relationship.  Relationships aren't all peaches and cream.  They're not always warm and fuzzy like I want them to be.  They're hard.  They're awkward sometimes. You have to be able to admit when you're wrong and ask for forgiveness.  And you have to get over yourself.  

Lord, I'm over it.  I really am over myself.  That's not to say I won't relapse again, but at this point in time, I'm ready to be with You again.  I want it to be easier than this, but I just have to be okay with the fact that it's not.  It's not easy.  It's not going to be easy.  Jesus, you know my heart.  Help me to truly understand Yours.

I don't have the literary expertise to make a connection right now to this video.  But for some reason, this song has just captivated my heart this Christmas.  I hope that it speaks to yours as well.