Glorified

When we lost our pregnancy in December, the Lord kept bringing the story of Lazarus to me.  I blogged about it here, but basically the entire chapter of John 11 made me mad.
In an effort to be completely transparent, I'll be blunt.  I was pissed.

This idea of Jesus allowing Lazarus - his friend! - to die, watching Lazarus' sisters mourn because of Jesus' lack of action....and then Jesus cried about it all.  The gaul!  HE allowed it all to happen and now He's crying about it.  The first few times I read John 11 in the misery of my loss, I just could not understand how Jesus could behave like this.  I couldn't come to terms with it all.

And then Jesus began to highlight a specific verse in that chapter that I continue to cling to...

When Jesus heard that, He said, "This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it."  (John 11:4)

There was a PURPOSE in Lazarus' pain, in Mary's pain, in Martha's pain....in Jesus' pain.  It was to glorify our heavenly Father above.  But there was more to the story of Lazarus that I missed because in my study of Lazarus those couple of months, I never read past John 11.  Shame on me!

In my quiet times recently, I've been reading through the book of John starting from chapter 1.  The other day as I read chapter 12 I was amazed by what the Lord showed me.  In chapter 11, Jesus allowed Lazarus to die "that the Son of God may be glorified through" his death and subsequent resurrection.  But I didn't realize how vital Lazarus' story was to the story and glorification of Christ in preparation for His death.  As Jesus continued His ministry into the Passover - that would ultimately lead to his crucifixion - Lazarus' name kept coming up in scripture.

John chapter 12 begins with a dinner in Bethany, Lazarus' home town.  They had a dinner for Jesus that night that included many of the people from the village, honoring Jesus and Lazarus.

In verse 9, the Bible tells us that there were a bunch of Jews that came that night, but not just to see Jesus.  They came to see Lazarus because they had heard of his story.
In verse 10, the Pharisees plotted to kill Lazarus because of his testimony of Christ.  As a result of his testimony many were coming to faith in Jesus.
In verse 17, on what we now call Palm Sunday, when Jesus was triumphantly entering Jerusalem before his crucifixion, the people who witnessed Lazarus being raised from the dead-who knew of his story personally-bore witness to Jesus.
In verse 18 the Bible says that people came to welcome Jesus as he entered in Jerusalem because they had heard about Lazarus' story.  For many, it was because of Lazarus that people met and came to know Jesus.

The pain that Lazarus and Mary and Martha endured was used to glorify Jesus past what they could have possibly imagined.  Because of Lazarus' death and resurrection, because of their suffering, many came to know Christ.

Lord, I pray that you would bring life to my womb.  I pray for the same resurrecting power over my womb as You poured over Lazarus' lifeless body.  Use my pain and suffering to bring You glory and to bring others to know you as their Lord and Savior.  Let my life be a testament to your love and grace and mercy and goodness.

...that the Son of God may be glorified through it.

The Details

We believe that life begins at conception.  That means the embryos we lost were actually babies who are now with Jesus in heaven.  These are the only babies I have ever known, and I wanted the details of why we would never see them on this side of heaven.  Here's what I learned:

From our second retrieval:
#1: This embryo was missing a copy of both chromosome 21 and 22.
#2: This embryo was missing a copy of chromosome 1.

From our third retrieval:
#1: This embryo was chromosomally normal.
#2: This embryo is being rebiopsied.
#3: This embryo was missing a copy of chromosome 5.
#4: This embryo was missing a copy of chromosome 22.
#5: This embryo was chromosomally normal.

I don't know why these details are important to me, but they somehow help me to process our loss.

Out of Words

This process is one of the most difficult, painful experiences I have ever had to endure.  It is, quite literally, a rollercoaster of emotions.  The ups and downs are excruciating.

We had our third and final retrieval the first week of June.  It was hands down the best cycle we have ever had.  In the words of our IVF nurse, I was cycling like a twenty-three year old!  We were floored.  My follicles were growing at the same rate, and we had a ton (for us) of them.  We were finally experiencing a successful cycle!

Fast forward to the retrieval....

We retrieved 14 eggs.  That's more than we've ever retrieved, although fewer than we were expecting based on our ultrasounds.

Ten of the eggs were mature, and amazingly all 10 fertilized.

Only 5 of our embryos made it to blostocyst (again, fewer than we were expecting), although they were all better quality than we had our first cycle.

And that's really when any good news stopped.

To catch you up to speed/remind you of where we ended things in April, we had 3 embryos from our second retrieval that were biopsied and then screened for chromosomal normality with the 5 embryos from our third cycle.  One of those embryos from our second cycle did not make it through the biopsy process.  So, in all, we had 7 embryos that went for the Comprehensive Chromosomal Screening (CCS).

We found out last Friday that only 2 of our 7 embryos were chromosomally normal.  One of the 7 embryos was undetermined and is being rebiopsied.  So, at most we will have 3 embryos to transfer, but at this point we have enough embryos for only one more transfer.

This is our last hope for biological children, so the news has been devastating for both Michael and me.  What's even harder to hear is that not one of our embryos from our second cycle were chromosomally normal.  Not one.  In essence, we wasted $25,000.  That's a tough pill to swallow.

We are stunned and confused and heartbroken, wondering again why God would allow our hopes to be so high from such a great retrieval only to leave us in the place of heartbreak again.  We are trying so hard to trust that God is writing a beautiful story for us, but we are tired.  And out of words to try to explain or make sense of where we find ourselves.

Inside IVF: Trigger Shots

Inside IVF: Sticking Yourself

Inside IVF: Evening Meds

Inside IVF: Morning Meds

So in the process of trying to do these videos throughout my IVF, I've learned a couple of things

1.  I need a hair cut.  Sheesh!
2.  I need a camera that is higher up so I'm not constantly looking down at the camera.  It's really not a good look.
3.  I wasn't made for video....I'll probably be sticking to the written word for the foreseeable future, and I'm not even very good at that!

But the bottom line is that I hope these videos are at least a little helpful to someone who is getting ready to experience IVF for the first time.  I'm always available to help answer questions or to give some moral support!

Also, if you need to see how to draw up and administer your specific medicine, CCRM has some great videos on their website.  Just click here!  (Michael and I lived by these videos when we first started!)

**The medicines and injections I take are prescribed from my doctor.  I am not a medical professional.  Always refer back to what your doctor has prescribed for you when dosing meds.**