Out of Words

This process is one of the most difficult, painful experiences I have ever had to endure.  It is, quite literally, a rollercoaster of emotions.  The ups and downs are excruciating.

We had our third and final retrieval the first week of June.  It was hands down the best cycle we have ever had.  In the words of our IVF nurse, I was cycling like a twenty-three year old!  We were floored.  My follicles were growing at the same rate, and we had a ton (for us) of them.  We were finally experiencing a successful cycle!

Fast forward to the retrieval....

We retrieved 14 eggs.  That's more than we've ever retrieved, although fewer than we were expecting based on our ultrasounds.

Ten of the eggs were mature, and amazingly all 10 fertilized.

Only 5 of our embryos made it to blostocyst (again, fewer than we were expecting), although they were all better quality than we had our first cycle.

And that's really when any good news stopped.

To catch you up to speed/remind you of where we ended things in April, we had 3 embryos from our second retrieval that were biopsied and then screened for chromosomal normality with the 5 embryos from our third cycle.  One of those embryos from our second cycle did not make it through the biopsy process.  So, in all, we had 7 embryos that went for the Comprehensive Chromosomal Screening (CCS).

We found out last Friday that only 2 of our 7 embryos were chromosomally normal.  One of the 7 embryos was undetermined and is being rebiopsied.  So, at most we will have 3 embryos to transfer, but at this point we have enough embryos for only one more transfer.

This is our last hope for biological children, so the news has been devastating for both Michael and me.  What's even harder to hear is that not one of our embryos from our second cycle were chromosomally normal.  Not one.  In essence, we wasted $25,000.  That's a tough pill to swallow.

We are stunned and confused and heartbroken, wondering again why God would allow our hopes to be so high from such a great retrieval only to leave us in the place of heartbreak again.  We are trying so hard to trust that God is writing a beautiful story for us, but we are tired.  And out of words to try to explain or make sense of where we find ourselves.