Not a Mistake

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.  

You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascent into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there Your hand shall lead me,

And Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"

Even the night shall be light about me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my souls knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret, 

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

Psalm 139:1-16

I was at a memorial service this week for my former basketball coach (who I loved dearly).  This psalm was read at the service, and I felt as though the Lord was speaking directly to me.  (It's so cool how God can speak life even through death!)  Throughout our journey of infertility, I've jokingly (and not so jokingly) told Michael that he made a bad pick when he chose me.  He wants babies, and I can't give them to him.  Shoulda made a better pick, babe! And even though I'm mostly joking when I say that to him, there's a lot of guilt that I can feel if I let myself go there.  I'm not what I'm supposed to be.  I can't give him what we both want.  But reading this psalm in the midst of our journey really spoke to my heart. 

Our infertility isn't a surprise to God.  In fact, it isn't even a mistake.  That is hard for me to wrap my brain around.  Our infertility isn't. a. mistake.  God doesn't make mistakes.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my souls knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret, 

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

He knew of our journey before we knew of our journey.  And He already knows how our journey with infertility ends, whether through IVF or adoption.  And maybe even with twins!  (Fingers crossed!)  He already knows my babies!!  WHAT?!  When I let that all soak down into my heart of hearts, past my worrying thoughts, I can't help but have my mind blowing moment.  He knows.  He made me this way.  Our infertility isn't a mistake.  There is a purpose behind our infertility that will ultimately glorify our Heavenly Father.

Praise God.