Not a Mistake

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.  

You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascent into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there Your hand shall lead me,

And Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"

Even the night shall be light about me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my souls knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret, 

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

Psalm 139:1-16

I was at a memorial service this week for my former basketball coach (who I loved dearly).  This psalm was read at the service, and I felt as though the Lord was speaking directly to me.  (It's so cool how God can speak life even through death!)  Throughout our journey of infertility, I've jokingly (and not so jokingly) told Michael that he made a bad pick when he chose me.  He wants babies, and I can't give them to him.  Shoulda made a better pick, babe! And even though I'm mostly joking when I say that to him, there's a lot of guilt that I can feel if I let myself go there.  I'm not what I'm supposed to be.  I can't give him what we both want.  But reading this psalm in the midst of our journey really spoke to my heart. 

Our infertility isn't a surprise to God.  In fact, it isn't even a mistake.  That is hard for me to wrap my brain around.  Our infertility isn't. a. mistake.  God doesn't make mistakes.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my souls knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret, 

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

He knew of our journey before we knew of our journey.  And He already knows how our journey with infertility ends, whether through IVF or adoption.  And maybe even with twins!  (Fingers crossed!)  He already knows my babies!!  WHAT?!  When I let that all soak down into my heart of hearts, past my worrying thoughts, I can't help but have my mind blowing moment.  He knows.  He made me this way.  Our infertility isn't a mistake.  There is a purpose behind our infertility that will ultimately glorify our Heavenly Father.

Praise God.

IVF

We got home from Denver last night.  We drove out there Sunday and came back Tuesday.  All for a day's worth of doctor's appointments.  And a diagnosis.  And a plan of action.  When you think of the two full days we spent driving, it doesn't sound like the one day in Denver would be worth it.  But it was!  We are full steam ahead on the IVF train!  We are so excited and nervous and every other emotion.  But mostly we're excited.  All we want is to be a mom and a dad, and we're hopeful this is the way the Lord is going to provide that for us.

If you would be willing to support us in this journey, please check out our YouCaring page at THIS LINK.  More than anything, we covet your prayers!

Heading out to our one-day work up appointments

Our new doctor's office

It's really pretty inside.

 Enjoying lunch on a BEEE-YOU-TIFUL day in Denver!

After a long day of meeting with nurses and our doctor and tests and blood work, we decided to enjoy a nice dinner out.  YUMMO!

And then we ended the night with a scoop of ice cream.  Pretty sure we deserved that!

A New Opportunity

Ahhh.  It's Monday morning, and I am sitting in my living room with a mug of hot lemon water (loving my lemon essential oil!), reading my Bible and just in general RELAXING.  I love not having to jump out of bed in the morning and run through my day!  I love being able to be leisurely about life!  To sum it up, I.LOVE.SUMMER.

Being a teacher is hard work, and we more than earn a couple of months off.  But, honestly, I don't know a teacher in this world that doesn't do school work during the summer.  Between checking emails, scouring Pinterest, writing new units, brainstorming the first of school (the list really is endless)....teachers work all year long.  But it is beyond amazing to be able to do those things while sitting on the couch in my pajamas.  :-)

Several posts ago I mentioned applying for a new job and not being selected for that position.  Rejection is always hard, but I really was pretty satisfied with staying put for another school year.  I've really enjoyed teaching third grade, and had already made a lot of plans in my head for how to improve on my craft for next school year.  It's funny how God works.  When you think you're settle and set with where you're going to be for the foreseeable future, He turns your world upside down!

One of my mentors emailed me out of the blue to see if was interested in the possibility of an administrative position in another school district.  My answer verbatim was, "YES!".  I've been waiting for several years for the Lord to open this door at the right time and with the right district.  Long story short, I interviewed and was offered the position of Elementary Intern in a district that is a whole lot closer to my home than where I was currently employed.  An Elementary Intern has all of the responsibilities of an Assistant Principal, but with teacher pay.  A lot of school districts are going to this model, which is smart for them financially and it gives me the opportunity to get some amazing administrative experience!

I am incredibly excited about this opportunity (even though it means my summer is several weeks shorter!).  Thank you, Lord, for opening this door and allowing me the opportunity to use my admin degree!  I'm so excited to see what the school year brings!  

Human

We continue to be not pregnant.  We're meeting with a doctor in Colorado in about a week to start our testing with him before we move to IVF.  So far, he's given me the closest thing to a diagnosis that anyone has given me --- endometriosis.  According to him, 50-60% of women with stage 1 endometriosis (that's me) will never get pregnant without assistance.  Sounds like a diagnosis to me.

So I'm grateful for that (a diagnosis, I mean).  And I'm grateful that we'll have a plan of attack in the very near future.  I'm not so much grateful for the price tag of that plan -- upwards of $30,000 by the time we're finished. And that's just for one blessed attempt to have a baby.

There are days when I'm okay with where we are, knowing that God has a plan for our lives.  There are days when I'm even a little excited for IVF (Can we say twins?!).  But today I'm just angry and frustrated.  And sad.

WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET PREGNANT?  (That's the line that screams almost continuously in my head at times like this.)  All I want is a baby!  Other people get babies all the time without even trying!  God can act, and is choosing to not.  It makes me crazy sometimes, the reality of that statement.

I found out today that some good friends of ours are pregnant.  AGAIN.  We can't get one kid, and they're on their tenth.  (Not really, but I do appreciate a bit of exaggeration.)  Before I say this next thing, hear me say that it is absolutely ridiculous.  I'm ridiculous and crazy, I know.  I love these people that just got pregnant again, and I know they love us.  But in my heart of  hearts, when people that I know and love get pregnant I can't help but to feel a little (or a lot) hurt.  Like they did it to me on purpose.  How could they get pregnant again when we haven't even had one?!  I know I'm ridiculous.  And probably a little bit selfish at this point.  And maybe a little narcissistic.

Listen, I know Jesus is the source of my hope.  I know He is in complete and total control.  He really and truly is.  And I do hold fast to Him in these intense times of pain and frustration.  But today I'm just frustrated.  And tired.  And heartbroken.  And human.