Humbled

A week or so ago I stumbled across this blog on Facebook called Annalise Hope: Our Unexpected Journey.  I was initially drawn in, to be honest, by a picture of this baby that I thought couldn't be real.  This baby's head was so big, and her precious little body was so small.  When I got to the blog, I could see that, in fact, the pictures were real.  I scoured the blog to find an answer to my question of "How could this be??".  As I was reading, I discovered something even more amazing and humbling than the name of this sweet baby's condition.  What I discovered was absolutely humbling.  Instead of focusing on what the Lord was taking away from them, Annalise's mom was focusing on the blessings she was experiencing in the middle of this devastation.  She talked as though she was experiencing joy, not pain and heartbreak.  This mom has every right in the world to be mad at God.  Her baby is going to die.  And she doesn't deny that or try to ignore that fact.  But somehow she is able to see beauty in the midst of her pain.  She's grateful for the little things: taking her baby home, sitting outside with her baby, watching Annalise's reaction to hearing music, the fact that her baby has lived this long.

I am so humbled by her blog.  Even writing that sentence brings me to tears.

I want to be more like her.  I want to love Him so much and trust Him so much that I can focus on the joy He gives us in the midst of heartbreak.  I want to find joy in the midst of the mundane.  And I especially want to find joy in the midst of my pain.

While I know Michael and I have suffered heartache through this process, I cannot help but praise God for protecting us from so much more.  I have never miscarried a baby.  I have never given birth to a stillborn baby.  I have never had to love a baby, knowing she was going to die.  I have never buried my child.  He has protected us from so much pain that I cannot even begin to fathom.  I am so grateful for that.

He has given us friends and family who love us and pray for us and will take care of us when we are hurting.  How many people are there that don't even have that?

I want so much to be a mom.  I want so much to have a baby of my own.  But what I need to want more than those things is to love God so much that even if He chooses to allow us to go through the pains He has thus far spared us from, I trust Him.  I want to trust Him like Annalise's mom and dad trust Him.

I know that God doesn't let any pain go without purpose.  I can't imagine that I am the only life that will be blessed by Annalise's story.  I believer her story will be so much bigger than just that.  But He has used this sweet baby girl who I will likely never meet to draw me closer to Himself and to learn to trust Him more.