Confessions

I started this blog initially for a couple of reasons.  One - to document my journey with the Lord for my sake.  Just to have record of what He has done through the seasons of my life.  If somebody reads it, fine.  If nobody reads it, that's fine too.  Two - To connect with other singles who long to be a wife and mom.  It's lonely in the Christian world of singledom.  We need each other!

Okay, so apparently I just had two reasons.  Point being that I have been, at times, painfully honest about my journey in singleness on this blog.  It seems that it would be hypocritical of me to shut down now and not be just as painfully honest through my journey of dating.  This is all still part of the journey He has me on.

All that to bring me to one word.  

Baggage.  

I've never been the one to carry the baggage in a relationship.  This is new territory for me.  But I'm definitely the baggage-carrier here.  A couple of weeks ago I made Michael come over because I needed to talk.  I'm pretty sure he was a bit concerned about this "talk" but I assured him that it wasn't a big deal.  Just some things I needed to share with him.  Things I needed him to know.

Honestly, I was freaking out a little bit.  And here's why.

I was afraid.  Actually....I am afraid.  Let me explain in typical Type-A fashion.  Bullet points.

• I'm afraid that I'm going to try to force something that isn't right.  (Baggage from unhealthy relationship #1.)  I've done it before....who's to say I won't do it again?  I do want so much to be married.  What if I let that drive me into forcing a square peg into a round hole (as my mother would say)?
• I'm afraid that I won't be able to fall in love.  Here I have this man who is PERFECT for me on paper.  I mean, people, PERFECT on paper.  What if I can't fall in love?  What if my heart just doesn't go there?  What then?  And I can't help but let my mind wander down the "there isn't anyone left out there" road.  If I pass up on this guy....there's nothing left out there. (Baggage from unhealthy relationship #2.  I started to fall in love then....and my heart was broken.  What if it's broken permanently??)
• I'm afraid that either fear #1 or fear #2 will happen and our relationship will end.  My friends and family have been soo excited for me.  After all....this could be "the one"!   If I can't make it work....if I mess this up or if my heart just won't fall.....I am afraid of all of the disappointment I will cause for my friends and my family.  (This is just my own brain.  No ex-boyfriend to blame here!)

And I know all of the rational responses to each of those fears.  I know.  I get it.  But here's the bottom line.  My fears are completely irrational but completely logical.  And they're mine.  They are the essence of what I'm seriously fighting against.  There are days when I'm completely good....not afraid of anything in this relationship.  And then there are days when I fight the constant nagging of these fears.  

Is it Satan trying to keep me from enjoying what the Lord is blessing me with?  Maybe.

Is it me just being plain old crazy?  Likely.

Is it the Lord trying to say something to me?  Beats me.  

Here's what I do know.  Fear is sin.  Fear comes from not believing that the Lord will take care of me.  So I'm going to die daily to this sin of fear, and trust that no matter what -- even if it's Fear #1, #2 or #3 coming true -- I do not have to fear.  

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, 

but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7