Amnesia

Sometimes I pray the Lord would grant me amnesia. When an ugly part of my past rears it's ugly head (by means of an email I wasn't anticipating), my heart and mind are immediately taken back to a time when I was not -- and I repeat not -- walking with the Lord. It takes me back to the hurt and the desperation. It takes me back to a time when I felt like God was distant -- not because He chose to be, mind you, but because I was choosing a path that was not of Him. I chose my idol over my God. That is a painful place to go back to. And every time I go back there, I go on emotional overload.


The most recent was about a week ago. Thankfully (and I truly mean thank you, Jesus!) my wonderful and beautiful friend Courtney intervened with an email of her own.

Pastor Phil preached on Joseph. He's one of my favorites. He named his first son FORGET and his second son FRUITFUL. He had to forget his past in order to be fruitful and fulfilled in his present and future. Phil said God's not going to strike you with amnesia of your mind, but he can take the emotion out of the memories and let your heart be freed from the bondage and burden of bitterness.

Satan would LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE for you to be a slave to those emotions you felt again today. Don't help him! Ask God to walk you through them as they come up and let HIM point out why He's said NO.

I believe more this night than I ever have before that your singleness is a spiritual fight. You want something so godly that will witness and minister to many. The enemy doesn't want that. He's using pawns of your past.

I have never before considered my singleness to be a spiritual fight. But the moment I read Courtney's words, I knew she was right. It is a spiritual fight for me -- in so many ways! Satan wants me to live in the sin, the bitterness, the guilt and the loneliness. And as long as I'm living there, I am not truly able to commune with Jesus.

I've felt for the last semester that the Lord has been speaking a very specific Word to my heart. The second I heard Him speak, I grabbed on to His message. But as the days and weeks and months have gone by I've begun to wonder if that Word was from Him or if it was just me trying to make myself feel better. It's the Type A, over-analytical thing coming out. Anyone relate??

I'm memorizing scripture with Beth Moore's scripture memory team this year. I've spent the last month focused on Jeremiah and the Lord's promises found in that book. While I may be doubting the Word he revealed to me those months ago, He has His written Word available for me any time of the day.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Father, I thank you for Your promises. And I thank you for a specific and personal Word you've given to me. Jesus, while I know you won't strike me down with amnesia (as much as I would love that!), I pray that you would strip the memories of emotion. Help me to live in victory and glory and not in the wake of sin. Thank you, Jesus, for friends who speak Truth!