#StartAsking

It's National Infertility Awareness Week.  One in eight couples struggle with infertility.
That's 7.6 million people.

I guarantee you know someone (and probably lots of someones) who struggles with infertility.  It's a silent epidemic that most choose to struggle with privately.  I've chosen to share my journey, not for sympathy and certainly not for pity, but to let those struggling privately know that they're not alone.

The theme this year for NIAW is Start Asking.  The goal is to encourage couples struggling to conceive to advocate for themselves in the doctor's office (something I'll be posting on later), for friends and family to start asking how they can support their infertile loved ones, for everyone to start asking our insurance companies and government officials why this financially devastating diagnosis of infertility isn't supported financially.

As I was reading blogs and Twitter posts and watching videos about NIAW, I couldn't help but think about where Michael and I have been this past year.  It has, hands down, been one of the most difficult years of my life.

This time last year we were just getting ready to discover Dr. Schoolcraft and his amazing team at CCRM.  We would soon be heading to Lone Tree, CO for the first of many visits.

This past year we experienced a lot of firsts:

My first time drawing up meds
My first experience with daily injections and the bruising that follows
My first 3am wakeup for a trigger shot
My first retrieval and the subsequent loss of embryos
My first transfer and seeing in person our beautiful babies as embryos waiting for my womb

We heard for the very first time the words "You're pregnant."  

We also felt for the first time the pain of losing our sweet babies.  The pain of that experience has dulled slightly, but I still cry and grieve their loss.  Our counselor said in passing last week something about "our girls", and my heart caught in my throat.  

Our girls.  

I can't think that sentence, I can't type that sentence, without tears streaming.

In this last year, Michael and I have grown closer.  We've had to really work on our marriage as this journey has challenged us spiritually, emotionally, and financially.  

These are burdens no one should have to bear alone.  That's why National Infertility Awareness Week is so important.  There are people you love who have never seen two pink lines, who have gone into stupid debt to conceive, who have lost babies and continue to grieve, who don't know what to do next.  You should know who those people are in  your life and love them.  Support them.  Be there to listen to them and not to judge them.  

This isn't a journey anyone should face alone.

Take 2

We have successfully completed our 2nd IVF retrieval.  Let me get the stats out of the way.

First Retrieval:
*Retrieved 8 eggs
*6 eggs were mature
*4 eggs fertilized
*3 embryos grew out to blastocyst
*2 embryos were chromosomally normal

Second Retrieval:
We participated in a study during this cycle and took acai berry pills for 3 months with the goal being to increase the number of eggs we were able to retrieve by about 30%.
*Retrieved 11 eggs
*7 eggs were mature at retrieval, 2 more eggs matured over night (BTW....I had no idea that was even a possibility)
*5 eggs fertilized

We are still waiting to know how many embryos grow out to blastocyst.  We are also going to do a third retrieval in the next couple of months and will send all of our blasts to the chromosomal testing at once, so we still have a lot of waiting to do.

So those are the stats.  The acai berries seemed to fulfill expectations and produced, at least to this point, 30% more eggs and almost 30% more embryos.  Apparently I should have done the math ahead of time, though, because we only have 1 more embryo at this point in the cycle than we did last time.....I was hoping for and expecting more.

Our goal is that after these two retrievals we will have a decent number (maybe 6?) of embryos that we can choose from for our transfer.

Thankfully, our trips to Colorado get to be more than ultrasounds, bloodwork and injections....although that is a lot of what goes on while we're there.  We have THE BEST IVF nurse anyone could possibly ask for.  She is beyond amazing.  She's real with me, helps me laugh through the hard times and puts up with my crazy.  That in and of itself qualifies her for some kind of medal of honor.  We were so thrilled to be able to catch up with Cindy, her hubby and their two dogs while we were in Colorado.  They introduced us to this awesome dog park inside of Chatfield State Park.  The dog park is 69 acres with two ponds and walking trails.  Bear was in doggy heaven!  And if I'm honest, Michael and I had just as much fun there as he did.  We actually went every day we were there!

Look at how much fun he had!

Bear spent his evenings sleeping.  Chatfield wore him out!

We found another trail close by and tried to get a family picture.  Bear wasn't super cooperative. We went to Chatfield after our 2 mile walk and let Bear do some more playing there.

Everyone was tired after getting up super early for our retrieval...

Side note....isn't this the cutest shirt?!  A friend of mine gave it to me for my birthday.  She, too, struggled with infertility.  If you can identify at least 4 of the 5 acronyms....you've probably walked the infertility path.  I wore it the day of my retrieval, and it was perfect!

And that was basically our trip.  When Bear wasn't sleeping, he had his head on our shoulders or in between us on the console.  He's such a sweet boy!

An Update

Things have been pretty boring until recently on the fertility side of life, but incredibly nutso when it comes to everything else going on!  Here are a few of the highlights:

1.  We got a dog.  I introduced him to the blog world a while ago, but that boy has grown so quickly!  He's a Great Dane, so I shouldn't be surprised.  And he's freaking adorable.

2.  Work has been nuts!  I have the privilege of being part of what will hopefully be our school district's model elementary school, but with this transition comes a lot of work.  We will be 1:1 with devices, implementing a STEM curriculum, doing lots of remodeling in the building, experimenting with flexible seating within classrooms and experiencing a large amount of restaffing.  I've basically been working two jobs in one since January.

3.  Michael's business is getting closer and closer to being ready to take off!  That man has poured two years worth of blood, sweat and tears into that business, and we are beyond ready for it to be a go!  In the midst of everything else, I'm learning how to sew binding using an industrial sewing machine.  I thought I'd be better at it than I am, and I hate being the hold up for Michael to move forward with the business!

4.  Waiting to start our next IVF cycle has been so great, but the waiting was about to do me in.  We really needed some time off from everything after losing our pregnancy in December.  But, man, I'm ready to get moving again!  We actually just got back from Colorado, and I'll be sharing the latest IVF news soon.  In the mean time, isn't Bear so stinking adorable?!  He is such a great traveler and slept the entire way there and back!

Bear

Since I've talked to you last, we've had an addition to our family...

This is Bear.

He's a blue Great Dane and growing like a weed!  We've had him for a week and a half, and he's already grown a ton!  

Last night we spent our first Valentine's Day together as a family.  :-)

I'm sure there are many adventures in our future with this (not so) little guy!

Lazarus

I've been working through a lot lately (obviously), and the passage about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead kept coming up.  One of the reasons I like to blog is that it gives me an opportunity to organize my thoughts, even though I'm not a great writer.  So I present to you....my thoughts. Anticlimactic, I'm sure.  :-)



The Death of Lazarus (John 11)

Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 It was that Mary who anointed the Lord with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. 3 Therefore the sisters sent to Him, saying, “Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick.”

4 When Jesus heard that, He said, “This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”

5 Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6 So, when He heard that he was sick, He stayed two more days in the place where He was. 
Wait a second.  This scripture says that Jesus loved Mary and Martha and Lazarus. So if He really loved them, why didn't he get up and leave immediately?!  Instead of going to those He loved to save someone He loved, he stayed put.  He sat on His rear end and didn't move for TWO DAYS. 

7 Then after this He said to the disciples, “Let us go to Judea again.”

8 The disciples said to Him, “Rabbi, lately the Jews sought to stone You, and are You going there again?”

9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. 10 But if one walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.” 11 These things He said, and after that He said to them, “Our friend Lazarus sleeps, but I go that I may wake him up.”

12 Then His disciples said, “Lord, if he sleeps he will get well.” 13 However, Jesus spoke of his death, but they thought that He was speaking about taking rest in sleep.

14 Then Jesus said to them plainly, “Lazarus is dead. 15 And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, that you may believe. Nevertheless let us go to him.”

16 Then Thomas, who is called the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with Him.”

I Am the Resurrection and the Life

17 So when Jesus came, He found that he had already been in the tomb four days.  Four days.  Lazarus, the one whom Jesus supposedly loves, has been dead for FOUR days.  And Jesus is just now showing up.  

18 Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles[a] away. 19 And many of the Jews had joined the women around Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning their brother.

20 Now Martha, as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming, went and met Him, but Mary was sitting in the house. 21 Now Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You.”  Ya think?!  I can just imagine the heartache and questioning and anger that was probably in Martha's statement here and in her heart.  You could have saved him, but you didn't come!  If You have just been here!  This story makes me angry for Martha.

23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

24 Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. 26 And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?”

27 She said to Him, “Yes, Lord, I believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”

Jesus and Death, the Last Enemy

28 And when she had said these things, she went her way and secretly called Mary her sister, saying, “The Teacher has come and is calling for you.” 29 As soon as she heard that, she arose quickly and came to Him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet come into the town, but was in the place where Martha met Him.31 Then the Jews who were with her in the house, and comforting her, when they saw that Mary rose up quickly and went out, followed her, saying, “She is going to the tomb to weep there.”

32 Then, when Mary came where Jesus was, and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.”  I can feel her grief.  She fell down at the feet of Jesus, and questioned just as her sister had.  Just as I have questioned.  Lord, you could have stopped this.  You could have done something!

33 Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled.   

This part is interesting to me.  When I read this, I couldn't understand what this passage meant, so I looked up what it meant for Jesus to "grown in the spirit."  The definition of the original word "groaned" means to be moved with anger.  Strong's Concordance goes further to say it means, "I snort (with the notion of coercion springing out of displeasure, anger, indignation, antagonism)".  Jesus snorted in displeasure.  He was ticked!  What the heck, Lord?  YOU were ticked? In my anger and hurt from losing our babies my initial reaction to learning this was the meaning of the passage was for me to snort in indignation at Jesus!  WHAT?  Mary and Martha should be the ones who are angry!  You could have saved their brother and instead You sat there and let him die.  You could have saved my babies, but You didn't.

34 And He said, “Where have you laid him?”  After the "groaning in the spirit" lesson, I hear Jesus ask this question in a different voice than I've read it before.  He's not happy.

They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.”

35 Jesus wept. 

People sent me this verse when trying to console me in my initial pain.  I read the story of Lazarus during that time, and was honestly irritated with this little verse.  JESUS is weeping??   He's the one who got everybody in this stupid mess.  If He had gotten up and healed Lazarus from the get go, there wouldn't be anything to cry about!  Stop crying, Jesus.  This is Your fault.  But the more I read this passage, the more I started to question why He was weeping.  Surely it's not because Lazarus died.  He already knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead.  Maybe He's weeping because this wasn't how it was supposed to be.  Sin and death weren't supposed to be a part of this world.  Weeping for loved ones wasn't part of the original plan.  Or maybe He's weeping because of the lack of faith from those who loved Him most.  Mary and Martha were some of His closest friends, and even they doubted Him.  Could He have been weeping and upset because they didn't trust Him?  

36 Then the Jews said, “See how He loved him!”

37 And some of them said, “Could not this Man, who opened the eyes of the blind, also have kept this man from dying?”  More questioning Jesus' intention.  More doubts.

Lazarus Raised from the Dead

38 Then Jesus, again groaning in Himself, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. 39 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.”  This kind of makes me laugh a little now.  I've always imagined Jesus saying this in a kind, gentle, knowing way.  Now I hear Him saying it with irritation and passion. Move the stinking stone so I can show You who I am.  Now!

Martha, the sister of him who was dead, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there is a stench, for he has been dead four days.”  I know Martha's kind of a mess, but I love her.  She's my kinda mess.  Better watch out for the stink, Lord.  

40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?”  I wonder how many times He's said this to me, and I've been too heartbroken, too angry, too consumed with my own grief (like Martha) to hear.  

41 Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead man was lying.  And Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 And I know that You always hear Me, but because of the people who are standing by I said this, that they may believe that You sent Me.” 43 Now when He had said these things, He cried with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth!” 44 And he who had died came out bound hand and foot with grave clothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Loose him, and let him go.”

I've meditated over this scripture often in the last several weeks.  I've questioned and wondered and searched for answers in this scripture. Just like Mary and Martha, I've asked God why He didn't do something. How could He allow this terrible thing to happen?  Lord, if You'd only been here.  I know You are able, but why aren't You willing?  

And I wonder if maybe...just maybe...God withheld a miracle so He would have the opportunity to perform an even greater one.  I wonder if His answer to, "Why Lord??" is truly for His glory to be made known...to perform the bigger miracle.  

God allowed Mary and Martha to experience pain and heartache so they could experience an even greater miracle than they had asked for.  I wish the Bible told us about Mary and Martha's reaction when Lazarus walked out of the tomb.  Can you even imagine??  I have to believe there were screams and tears of joy.  It brings tears to my eyes imagining the scene.  

And although Mary and Martha were surely happy beyond words, I'd bet they'd rather have not had to go through the pain He allowed them to feel in order to get to that moment.  If Mary and Martha could have scripted it, I'd bet they'd skip the whole pain part of this story and just go the easy route and have Jesus heal their brother before He died.  But their lives were to glorify Him, even through the pain.  The joy at the end of the story may not wipe away their pain, but I take some solace in realizing that there was a purpose to their pain.

We have been praying for a miracle.  All we want is a baby.  And I've played the Mary and Martha card.  I've questioned and cried and doubted and been flat out ticked off. And I think that's okay.  I think God's big enough to handle all of that from me.  But what's not okay is for me to stay stuck here, in this muck of doubt and anger.  

So, what if God is holding out and allowing us to experience this terrible pain so that He will have the opportunity to perform the bigger miracle? What if He's still planning to perform a miracle in our lives?  There's hope.  That hope, mind you, doesn't erase the pain and heartache that I still feel.  I still cry at the thought of my sweet baby girls. If I could have it my way, I'd skip this whole infertility battle and take a free-to-make baby any day of the week.  I'd rather avoid the pain altogether and just go straight to the bundle of joy wrapped up in my arms.  But if there's hope at the end of the story, if there's a miracle for my life, if the Lazarus in my life can also be raised from the dead....then I'll take it.

Stretcher Bearers

And again He entered Capernaum after some days, and it was heard that He was in the house. 2 Immediately many gathered together, so that there was no longer room to receive them, not even near the door. And He preached the word to them. 3 Then they came to Him, bringing a paralytic who was carried by four men. 4 And when they could not come near Him because of the crowd, they uncovered the roof where He was. So when they had broken through, they let down the bed on which the paralytic was lying.

5 When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven you.”

6 And some of the scribes were sitting there and reasoning in their hearts,7 “Why does this Man speak blasphemies like this? Who can forgive sins but God alone?”

8 But immediately, when Jesus perceived in His spirit that they reasoned thus within themselves, He said to them, “Why do you reason about these things in your hearts? 9 Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise, take up your bed and walk’? 10 But that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins”—He said to the paralytic, 11 “I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.”12 Immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went out in the presence of them all, so that all were amazed and glorified God, saying, “We never saw anything like this!”  Mark 2:1-12

In his book "Becoming a Stretcher Bearer," Michael Slater "encourages people to put 'feet' to their prayers through active encouragement.  Pastor Slater was launching a ministry based on the apostle Mark's dramatic account about the compassionate and inventive band of friends who came to the rescue of a paralyzed man by carrying him on a stretcher so he could get to Jesus for healing."  [When I Lay My Issac Down by Carol Kent]  In the midst of her personal Issac situation, Carol Kent says "I was hurting badly, but I was being loved deeply."  I second that sentiment.

My stretcher bearers have been such a gift.  So many friends and family who have called or texted or just prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself.  Friends who continue to send text messages of love and encouragement, even when I haven't had it in me to respond to their messages.  I didn't realize how powerful and emotional and meaningful it would be for people to refer to our lost babies as "your girls"- to acknowledge that their lives, however short, were real.  The gift of a bracelet with two hearts to remember our sweet girls.  A gift card in the mail so Michael and I can escape to a movie and enjoy a night out.  A care package sent from across country.  So many people who have empathized with our pain, allowed me to not be okay and volunteered to stand in the gap for me and pray on my behalf.  Words cannot express how much these "stretcher bearers" have meant to me.  People who have carried me when I couldn't carry myself.  People who have gone out of their way to be an encouragement.

There are some "stretcher bearer" moments that stick out to me the most, that will likely be a part of my heart until I am able to hold my babies on the other side of heaven.  One sweet friend, who is also walking through infertility and IVF herself, asked about our baby's names.  We had already decided on names, and it was such a sweet opportunity for me to be able to share those with her.  The details of the heartache of the situation wasn't lost on this friend.   Another friend, who has suffered devastating miscarriages, texted me this:

Lauren, I am so so so sorry.  My heart hurts inside me and I know that as grief.  Your daughters awoke in Glory and await you.  But I know that brings very very little earthly reprise from the wretched ache.  I can only go before the throne on your behalf.  And I will.

I cry every time I read that message, knowing the truth in her words but continuing to feel the ache of loss.  I don't know how to properly show my gratitude for the love and encouragement and prayers of my "stretcher bearers".  But I thank God for that provision.  I have been hurting badly but have been loved so deeply.

Crossroads

We lost our pregnancy 3 weeks ago, and I've hardly prayed since then.  I've caught myself praying without realizing it for little things and stopped myself mid-sentence.  I've been so angry with God and so heartbroken that I couldn't bring myself to talk to Him.  I've debated with myself over writing about the spiritual struggle that has accompanied our infertility.  I don't want my struggles and doubts to make anyone else stumble.  I only want to be an encouragement to others in their faith.  But it feels dishonest if I pretend I haven't struggled in my faith.

The hardest part for me in this whole thing has been the day we found out we were pregnant.  For a small moment in time, we were happy.  We had the babies we had dreamed of for so long, only to have the dream ripped away days later.  It felt cruel.  We trusted God, and it felt as though he were teasing us only to break out hearts again.

I've struggled so much with the "why."  Why did God allow this to happen?  If we weren't going to be pregnant, fine.  We would be devastated, but it would have been so much easier to have received a negative pregnancy test from the beginning.  It just felt mean.  And outside of "Your plan for our lives sucks", I haven't had much to say to God.  We've had many well-intentioned friends quote scripture to us, but in the midst of our heartbreak it feels like they've been quoting scripting at us.  Hearing that God is working things for our good and that Jesus wept and that God is close to the brokenhearted feels so trite in the middle of our heartbreak.  He could have saved us from being brokenhearted, but He didn't.  He's hoarding my babies in heaven, and I don't like it!  I used to take comfort in knowing that God formed me in my mother's womb and that our infertility wasn't a surprise to Him.  In my grief, though, it just made me angry.  The Lord formed me.  Like this.  Knowing full well that we would be here in this moment, heartbroken.  He could have stopped this.  He could have made me differently.  He could have allowed my babies to continue to grow inside of me.

On top of the heartache of losing our pregnancy, I am struggling with the financial burden this means for our family.  No matter our course of action for the future, whether it be adoption or continued IVF, we are going to be tens upon tens of thousands of dollars in debt.  A debt that will cripple us for years to come.

I am confident I am not alone in this season of struggle and of pain, regardless the source.  I've started seeing a Christian counselor because I don't know how to get unstuck on my own.  The first time I met with him, I told him that as heartbroken as I am, I know there are worse circumstances and worse pain out there.  My pain cannot compare to so many others.  Others who have birthed babies who weren't alive.  Others whose children have died from terrible diseases.  My pain and my experience are nothing compared to so many others.  But, as he reminded me, my pain is real.  My heartache is real.  And, to be completely transparent and honest, it's made me question my relationship with God, which is something I wasn't prepared for.

I've been at a crossroads in my faith for the past three weeks: a) move forward, following a God I don't understand and right now a God I don't even like or b) walk away from my faith altogether.  I can't walk away.  I can't turn my back on everything I've ever believed and known and followed.  But I haven't been ready for option a.  I'm at a crossroads and not ready to make a choice. And for right now, I'm going to be okay with that.  For now, I'm just going to stand here at the crossroads and wait.

I've been reading a book called "When I Lay My Issac Down."  The author of the book, Carol Kent, asked the same question my heart has been screaming, "Why didn't God DO something?"  She referred to James 1:2.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials...

Honestly, this verse was irritating to me initially.  If somebody walked up to me and quoted this verse at me, they may have to count it all joy the trial of me punching them in the throat.  I have no joy in this struggle.  Let me skip over the "joy" in this trial and whatever "good" things God has planned for me down the road and just give me back my babies.  But Carol Kent's point here is this:  

1. Trials are inevitable.  The verse says when you fall into trials, not if.
2. Trials are for a purpose:  Suffering was part of the process for Jesus, so it will also be a part of the process for those who love and follow Him.

I'm going to be honest.  I hate this process.  But as much as it infuriates me, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.  So I've begun praying again, slowly.  Hoping that baby steps will eventually lead me down the right path.