What NOT to Say to Someone with Infertility

Talking about infertility can be awkward.  I try really hard to make things as not awkward as possible, and I know when people offer advice it's because they want to help.  But even though I know people have the best of intentions, sometimes I have to bite my tongue at some of the things I hear.  So, as a public service announcement, here's a little cheat sheet of the things to NOT say to someone struggling with infertility.

1. Just stop thinking about it, and you'll get pregnant.
Oh, thank you for that information!  When you figure out how I can stop thinking about my biological clock and the thousands of dollars I've spent on trying to get pregnant, you let me know and I'll be sure to try that, too.  Is there anything in life where this advice is actually helpful?  Maybe if you cut off your right hand and then stop thinking about it, it will stop bleeding.  Sound ridiculous? That's how it sounds to us infertility peeps when you tell us to stop thinking about getting pregnant.

A related piece of advice I hear often is, "Just try not to stress about it."  Again....biological clock.  Thousands of dollars.  Try applying this to the hand you cut off and see if that makes any sense here either.

2. Why don't you adopt?
Why didn't you just adopt?  Maybe it was because you wanted the experience of being pregnant, of growing a baby inside your body, of feeling a baby kick or seeing her move inside your belly.  Or maybe you wanted a biological baby - someone who had the family nose or the family eyes.  Maybe you wanted to see your mom or your grandmother in your baby's eyes.  If you didn't want to "just adopt", I don't want to either.

***Fine print here:  We are not opposed to adoption.  In fact, fostering and adopting is something I have wanted to do since I was in high school.  And we are at a point where adoption is becoming a very real possibility.  And even if we are able to pregnant, I will likely want to adopt in the future.  But if we aren't able to get pregnant and we do adopt, I know I will love that baby like he was mine biologically.  But telling a woman who is desperate to become pregnant to "just adopt" is one of the least helpful things you can say.  Getting to the point of adoption is a huge process.  It doesn't just happen for most women.

3. Giving unsolicited advice.
Listen.  I understand that most of the time people who didn't struggle to get pregnant don't know what to say.  I get it.  In fact, I empathize with that position.  You want to say something helpful, but you have no idea what to say or how to be helpful.  But please don't give unsolicited advice.  Chances are that I've done more research and am more knowledgeable at this point about my uterus than you are.  Just give me a hug and listen to my struggle and say you're praying for me.  Your love and friendship is all I really need.

4.  Complaining about your pregnancy -- especially on social media.
Listen.  I know that pregnancy symptoms can be less than enjoyable.  But there are a lot of women out there who would trade your crappy pregnancy for our lack of pregnancy!  I remember about a year ago I was in the Starbucks drive through when a wave of nausea came over me.  I was SO. EXCITED. to be nauseous!  This could be morning sickness!!  WAHOO!!!!!  I learned that day that taking a prenatal vitamin on an empty stomach can lead to nausea.  Oops.  But the point is that while someone who hasn't struggled with infertility is likely to be bummed about morning sickness, I was thrilled to throw up!

So if you're going to be sensitive to the infertility strugglers among you, please do not openly complain about your pregnancy.  Even if it really does suck.  And please, please, please for the love of all things good, do not complain about your pregnancy on social media.  Remember.  I would pay you for your morning sickness if it meant I ended up with a baby!

5.  I know someone who...
This next piece of information may just be me....I don't know if everyone feels this way, but I felt like this when I struggled with singleness, too.  I really am uninterested in hearing about your cousin's husband's friend who had infertility and just took Clomid and got pregnant.  Or your co-worker's brother's sister-in-law who started the adoption process and magically got pregnant.  (BTW: Starting the adoption process and getting pregnant are two unrelated events.  Just because you start adopting doesn't mean you're going to get pregnant.)  Everyone has a different story.  There are many people I know who took Clomid for a month and then got pregnant.  Or did one round of IUI and got pregnant with multiples.  Or did a round of IVF and ended up with twins.  Or started adopting and got pregnant after all of the fertility treatments failed.

But so far that's not my story.

In this process one of the things I'm learning is to not compare my story with someone else's.  (P to the S.....that's really hard!!)  The Lord is writing each of our stories to be unique and not to be compared with another.  And if you want to help someone you love who is struggling with infertility (because Lord knows it is a struggle!), don't be afraid to talk about it.  Stay up to date with where they are on their journey and then just love them and hug on them and pray for them.

Acupuncture

When you get close to exhausting your options in fertility treatments, you may find yourself volunteering to be a human pin cushion.  Never in a million years would I have imagined myself seeking out someone who has a Master's in Oriental Medicine.  By here I am, getting stuck with needles and talking about Chinese herbs.

For my fellow skeptics, it really doesn't hurt.  After the strategic placement of these little needles, you are left alone in the room for 30 minutes to "relax".  My first time "relaxing" with needles sticking out of me was less than relaxing. 

"I'm laying here with needles sticking out of my body."

"Uh oh.  My leg itches."  

"Will it hurt if I try to move?"

"What if I accidentally hit one of the needles?"

"There are needles sticking out of my body."

I know lots of people who say they fall asleep during acupuncture.  So far, I haven't been one of those people.  But I suck at relaxing, so that could have something to do with my lack of sleeping.

If you look closely you can see the needles in my knees and ankles.  By the way...taking an acupuncture selfie isn't the easiest thing in the world.

 Once the needles are in, you really can't feel them at all.  In fact, when I was driving home after one of my appointments I went to brush my hair out of my eyes when my hand brushed something hard near my temple.  I proceeded to pull a needle out of my head!  SO. WEIRD.

This isn't something I'll continue long term, but there are many highly educated experts in the field of fertility who recommend this process.  And even I (queen of all skeptics) am noticing some changes in my body.  We are hopeful this will play a part in helping us get pregnant!

Little Man Sip and See

Today I'm linking up with Boogieboard Cottage
to share the "Little Man" Sip and See I threw for one of my best friends.  It was so much fun to celebrate her sweet baby boy with lots of mustaches and neckties!

I started out with some mustache candy/lollipop molds I found at Michael's.  I used melting chocolate to make lots of chocolate mustaches.  Since the molds were really for lollipops they made HUGE mustaches.  I just didn't fill them up all the way, and they ended up being the perfect size.

They ended up being perfect cupcake toppers!

The rest of the spread was veggie sticks with veggie dip in the bottom of the cup.  Makes it much easier to eat when you're walking around and "oooing" and "ahhhing" over a sweet baby!

We also had fruit kabobs, bruschetta, and cheese/crackers.

 I decorated with mason jars and the brown crinkle packaging (go to the dollar store!) and yellow daisies.  

Then I found some wooden dowels from Hobby Lobby, some black card stock and a mustache pattern online to make these adorable mustache accents in the mason jars!

Neckties are also a MUST when celebrating a "little man."   I found a necktie pattern online and cut out big and small neckties from scrapbook paper.  The big neckties make for a great jute/necktie garland.  It's nearly impossible to see from the picture, but there are mini neckties on the mason jars, too.

And of course the invitations had to include mustaches, too!  Luckily, Hobby Lobby has EVERYTHING you could possibly ever want --- including mustache scrapbook paper.  

All in all, it was an adorable Sip and See filled with all things "Little Man!"

Merry Christmas!

Some Christmas family fun!

Two of my teaching teammates (and their families) came to Christmas Eve service with us!

Me and my niece on Christmas Eve

Our nephew loves his sister's Frozen magic wand!

Christmas Eve with my man

Celebrating Christmas with my mom's side of the family.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Christmas Preparations

Getting ready for Christmas has been busy but so much fun!  I can't even begin to explain what a relief it has been to have some time off of school!  Here are some iPhone picture highlights:

Michael and I were getting ready to go to dinner with some friends.  We get ready in different bathrooms.  Michael came back into our bedroom, and this is what happened.  Thankfully, he was willing to change his top.  We haven't been married long enough to start going out looking like this.

This is the magic tree.  It's right off the highway, and it's all by itself in the middle of a field.  It's absolutely stunning.  Michael and I had to make a quick stop to see the local magic tree.

After lots of cookie baking, present wrapping and house cleaning we are finally ready to celebrate Christmas!  Merry Christmas everyone!

Infertility

Here's a hint.  The majority of married women in their 30's without children are struggling with infertility.  It's usually a pretty safe assumption to make, and, for the record, there are A LOT of us.
Because this is an intensely personal and private issue, most people don't talk about it.  It's kept close to the vest as our little secret, and that makes it easy to feel incredibly alone.  The Lord has blessed me with an awesome support system and friends who understand the path of infertility.  The journey is long and hard, but there are lessons to be learned through the struggle.  And as weird as this is going to sound, when I finally get to be a mommy I know I will be grateful for those lessons.  So, here's what infertility is teaching me:

Lesson #1:  I am not in control.
If infertility doesn't teach you about Who is actually control in your life, it's likely nothing will.  There have been so many seasons in this process of giving up control and surrendering what I feel like is my right to be able to get pregnant.  Bottom line = God is in control (whether I like it or not!) and I have a CHOICE to be happy or to be sad.  I have a CHOICE to be angry at God or to trust Him.

PS....I choose happiness and trust!

Lesson #2:  Live for now.  Don't put your life on hold.
There have been so many decisions I've made in the last two years based on "if we have a baby."  I wonder how many opportunities I've missed out on because I was living for the future instead of enjoying the moment.

Lesson #3:  My pain has a purpose and He has made a promise to me.

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited (there's a purpose!), I was given (it's a gift....even when it feels like a thorn!) a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (He's promised to take care of me!) Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (And so I embrace where the Lord has me.)
2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

Lesson #4:  To appreciate my relationship with my husband.
If there's anything that depletes intimacy in marriage, it's fertility treatments.  Throughout this process, however,  I have come to appreciate my husband more than I think I would have if we had been able to get pregnant right away.  This has highlighted for me my husband's great faith in the Lord, patience in the waiting and love for me.

At the end of the day, I know I will get to be a mommy.  It isn't going to happen like I had planned and may not end up looking how I planned either.  But I'm confident it will be well worth the wait!

Trust Without Borders

I haven't blogged since this summer.  I started a new job (again) this school year in a new district (again) in a new grade (again).  While this job makes me a thousand times happier than my jobs the last two years, the transition has been tough to make at times.  Last year I left for work at 8:30 and drove 5 minutes down the road to school.  I was home by 4:30 every night and had dinner almost finished if not on the table every night when Michael came home.  I loved that.  I felt like a "good wife", but was completely unsatisfied (dare I say, miserable?) during the day.  So when this new position became available in a district 30 minutes away, while I have had to make some sacrifices (like dinner being on the table at 6:00), it really was a blessing.  A complete "God thing."

So with 6 months having passed since my last post, I feel new at this blogging thing again.  I didn't even finish posting pictures of our trip to France!  I miss this.  Even Michael says he misses my blog -- which is funny because he is a significantly more private person than I am.  He's less willing to lay it all out there for the world to read.  :-)

Lately the Lord seems to be calling me to trust Him in a really big way.  In a way that is scary to me.  In a way that could mean the death of a dream (or at the least the way I've dreamed it for so many years), if I am truly willing to trust Him.  My natural inclination is to hold on to this dream with all my might and try to force it to be.  But in reality, that's not only impossible….it's unwise.  And shines a spotlight on my lack of faith.

It seems like I have a different song that the Lord uses to speak to me in different seasons of my life.  I've blogged about this before.  When I hear David Crowder's "How He Loves"and J.J. Heller's "Your Hands" I immediately want to tell whoever's closest, "That's my song."  The Lord used those songs so much to speak truth and life into me.  And to comfort me in the midst of trials and pain.  I feel like that's happening again with this new stage of waiting.  (PS…Does waiting on the Lord ever get easier?  Or just go away altogether???)

Waiting isn't easy for me.  I want it now, and I want it my way.  I am Type A and a planner.  I know how things are supposed to work.  I have the when's and where's all planned out.  Oh, how the Lord continues to stretch me and grow me to wait on Him and to trust in Him.

Have you heard the Hillsong United song "Oceans"?  It's beautiful.

And amazing.

And scary.

All at the same time.  It's become my prayer as I wait, scared (no, terrified) of what may lie around the next corner.  Read these lyrics.  I mean really read these lyrics.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Whenever I find myself singing/praying these words, I have to remind myself of the ramifications of what I'm asking the Lord to do.  He'll lead me into those waters, alright.  Will I go willingly?  Or will I go kicking and screaming?  Will I trust?  Will I truly trust Him without borders?  No matter where His path (which I know in my head is ultimately perfect and much better than mine) may lead?  Even if where He takes me isn't what I had planned?

Lord, prepare me for what lies ahead.  Help me to trust You without borders.  Help me to love You and trust You more than I love and trust my own plans.  Help me to die to my own desires so that I am able to live for Your holy and perfect plan.  And, Lord, I pray that my faith would be made stronger in Your presence.